I just can't help it, she is the little girl I may never have and I just love her to pieces. I almost always hold her in church on Sundays and she always sleeps like a little angel. But when I hold her in church in makes people talk. It makes people say things "That baby looks so good in your arms maybe you should have one." Yep, maybe I should but its not my choice. Recently an older guy I've known my whole life and now work with (in fact I credit him for getting me my new job) made that comment to me at work one Monday after I held my niece in church the morning before. I already knew his daughter had gone through IVF for their first baby because our pastor told us when we met with him prior to our IVF. So I just told him that we can't have babies. It was a somewhat awkward conversation and it made me sorta angry that I had to have it. Not that I mind talking about it to people anymore, if my answer makes them uncomfortable then they should mind their own business. But sometimes I just get angry that I have to explain myself, that I have to explain why DH and I aren't parents when everyone sees we should be. Its been bothering me more and more as I start to think of myself less as an infertile and more as a whole and complete person the way I am. When infertility doesn't define who I am, it kinda makes me angry that I have to explain myself that way. He also said that his daughter did IVF for the first one and then the second one came along naturally. Am I the only one that hears that story all the time? I'm so sick of it! Sure it sounds like it should give me hope, it does seem that once God opens a womb once there are more to follow but seriously it doesn't make me feel better because mine is still locked up tight. That and "So and so wasn't suppose to have kids but they did". Things like that just don't make me feel better anymore. I feel like DH and I have been through it all and tried everything and if after four years, if we were going to get a miracle it would have happened by now. But on the other hand I feel sure in my heart that God is going to give us our own baby someday and I just need to keep being patient.
Last night I got to babysit again while my SIL took my nephew to a children's fair. This time she was happy and she's three months now so she's starting to respond to people with faces, smiles and noises. So precious! When my SIL came home she was complaining how my nephew still had a couple hours before bed and she couldn't wait. Of course he's two now so he's a handful. But I was thinking about how as an infertile we sometimes tend to glorify parenthood. Not that it isn't a wonderful experience but I think we focus so hard on achieving what we can't have that we tend to only think about what we're missing out on, like the smiles and laughter, the hugs and kisses, you know the good stuff. What about the diaper explosions, spit up, crabby kids, sleepless nights, and endless worrying about their safety and future? So while I still deeply long to be a mother, I think its important to look at it realistically and not glorify it as all good times when its not. Though I do still believe that infertiles appreciate the bad times more than those who don't spend years and thousands of dollars to achieve parenthood.
I've mentioned before our friends who are getting married in December. Well these friends don't make a healthy couple but it seems they are getting married because they are nearing age 30 and worried they won't find anyone else. I wonder if marriage is sometimes glorified the same way as parenthood. While marriage is rewarding, its certainly not all good times. DH and I have had some downright awful times together. Its not always easy and its not always fun. But when your not married and everyone around you is, I wonder if the same feelings kind of come to the surface. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? I just think that I'm so blessed to have God in charge of my life because if I made all my own choices and got whatever I wanted exactly when I wanted it, I'd surely have messed up my life pretty bad by now.