Sunday, October 3, 2010

A New Look

This morning in bible study our Pastor was discussing how you don't get to see rainbows unless you endure the storm. That really stuck with me and I thought it would fit in well with my new blog design and title. Doesn't a rainbow just make you feel a little lighter and brighter inside? It does me. At first I suggested Finding Joy in The Storm as the title but I just haven't been feeling it. I think the word finding didn't sit right with me. So I looked up other words I could use in its place. Ironically "conceiving" was listed as a synonym for "finding". I settled on "discovering" because like faith I believe its something we all have. Its not lost, we don't need to find it or search for it, in fact many times its staring us right in the face. We just need to look with a different perspective and we'll discover what's been there all along. I found a psalm about the storm and hesitated about the end where he brings to our desired haven. Do I leave that part out since I'm not yet at my desired haven of motherhood? Or do I add it anyway as a promise that someday I will be there? I'm going with the promise.

Speaking of looking with a new perspective, this morning in church I was holding my sleeping niece again, which I often do in church and of course she was adorable and precious as always. And I thought "Thank you Lord for sharing this little one with me, even if I can't have my own, at least I can open my heart for this one." I have to confess that for years having a baby seemed like an side effect in a way. I have been so obsessed with getting pregnant and being pregnant that actually having a baby doesn't seem like part of the plan. Recently its been different I think its because of my niece and my hope for future treatment cycles. The longing and passion feels deeper now. Its not just wanting something because I can't have it or getting pregnant just to prove I can do it. Its about love. That's it, just pure simple unconditional love that I can hold in my arms and kiss goodnight. I don't need attention, I don't need everyone to fuss and tell me how adorable or well behaved my baby is. I don't need anyone to say congrats or be proud of me or my baby. In fact if I had a baby my hubby would be lucky if I'd even share the baby with him -partially joking there :) When I used to think about my life with a baby it seemed so far off and like a fantasy that would never happen. These days it feels real. It feels like it did when we were just about to start TTC and like we would be getting good news next month and would soon be making nursery plans - minus the naivety of what it means to TTC and be parents. Where is this coming from you ask? Beats me. Probably a little bit from our upcoming treatment cycle with a new doctor. But part of me just feels like our miracle is coming soon. Its not even just good old hope, its faith -being sure of things not seen. Its scary to say that I'm so sure God is going to give us a miracle soon. I may be proved a fool when I'm sitting here next spring after more failed treatments crying my eyes out. But I can't deny what I feel now and that's the beauty of blogging for strangers. You can judge me a fool in a few months when I'm wrong and I'll never have to know or feel bad about it.

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