Thursday, October 21, 2010
Today I went to a funeral, not someone I was that close to so I didn't really find it personally emotional. Although it always pains me to see family cry. We were sitting around afterward with the close family and I was listening to a conversation at our table. I wasn't participating since I don't know these people that well but they were talking about grief and how each day the tears get fewer and further between. Funny thing.....when a former co-worker asked me about getting over her miscarriage I said the exact same thing. In fact everything they said about grieving was exactly what I have thought/said in the past dealing with infertility. So why is it that when we have a miscarriage we quietly suffer through our grief when we feel the same as those at a funeral? The only people that know about our miscarriage is close family and friends but we NEVER talk about it. DH and I rarely talk about it anymore. For some reason everyone just pretends it didn't happen. But it did happen and I will forever grieve the loss in my heart. Even if the tears are fewer and further between. Years ago when we first started down this road, when I would see people online who have been trying for two years, I thought "wow that's a long time, I can't imagine the pain or how I would ever survive infertility that long". Now at four years, I look at those on HP who have been primarily infertile for 7-10 years and I think wow that's a long time. But I think it actually gets easier as time goes by. I think that those who have been dealing with it for 7 years are actually in less pain than those who are only at the two year mark. Obviously I can't speak for everyone but my pain has lessened with time. God has shown us so much to be thankful for and He has torn down our false idols (money, pregnancy, parenthood). However, I can't forget that this Saturday my baby would have been turning 1 year old. I haven't mentioned it to DH because I don't want to remind him if he's forgotten. Better to let him forget. But I remember, I will always remember October 23 and the little life that should have been born that day.