One year ago today I started this blog. I don't even remember what my intent was except as a place to vent about life. I looked back at a few posts and while I definitely think I've done some growing and changing, some things haven't changed. For one, my constant promises that I'm going to get healthy and lose weight. Why is that so hard to keep? Well its an ongoing goal but I'm not going to lie to myself and all of you by pretending that this time its going to happen for real.
AF showed up today and while I was happy to see her so we can get started on treatment, I also was disappointed that I'm still not pregnant. Not that I thought drunken sex would work but it would have been a nice to have a surprise BFP. I have very mixed feelings going forward. Here's what the two different voices in my head are saying:
Voice #1 (I HATE this voice): Well God, I gave you two years to give us our baby. I surrendered everything to you and patiently waited. You let me down. Now I have to do this myself. And with that kind of attitude You will probably not let me be successful. It would be so easy for You to make me pregnant, why would You make me go through all these treatments? Maybe these treatments won't work, if You wanted me to have a baby I'd have one by now.
Voice #2 (I like this one better but its harder to believe): Thank you Lord for giving me this two year break to heal my heart and grow up some more. Everyday I become a better mother than I would have been yesterday. Last time I felt surely the world would end if our treatments failed. Well, they did but You kept the world turning. This time around I know that if our treatments fail, I'll be greatly disappointed and unhappy about all the wasted money but DH and I will still be happily married and our life will go on just as it has for the past 26 years. You have provided us a capable doctor and the funds to pay him. I may not be sure we will get our baby this way but I don't want to get to heaven and have you say, "I provided everything you needed to get your baby but you just waited and cried out for Me to drop it in your lap." The fact is that God made doctors to help us. I don't know why He would want us to get our baby through IVF when He could just give us a surprise BFP. But I also don't know why He would give someone cancer only to have them overcome it when He could have just not given them cancer in the first place. And I don't expect to know, that's why He is God and I am little ol' me.
I don't know if we are doing what He wants us to but it feels good to be back at the RE. I have my baseline Thursday, HSG next Wednesday, Follie check next Friday and probably our IUI on Sunday Jan. 16th. If this IUI is not successful, we will do another in February or start BCPs for IVF in February. It all depends on what kind of post wash count we get and what our RE thinks.