I know the last time I posted a song that speaks it was Sidewalk Prophets and while I try to be diverse, this is my favorite song at the moment. The one that really speaks to me. Here is my favorite part of the song, so beautiful yet true and humbling.......
"I am the thorn in Your crown....but You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow....but You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist....but You love me anyway
I am Judas' kiss...but You love me anyway
See now I am the man who yelled out from crowd for Your blood
to be spilled on this earth's shaking ground
Yes, then I turned away with a smile on my face with this sin in my heart
Trying to bury Your grace
Then alone in the night I still call out for You, so ashamed of my life...
But You love me anyway, oh God how You love me"
I'm ashamed of my post on Sunday, I'm ashamed of myself for reacting in a way that is not what my heart believes. I was angry and wrong to blame God that way. But I'm not going to edit or delete that post because its real, its how I was feeling at the time and I know many of you have felt the same way at times. But I do not believe our infertility is God's fault. He is a loving God who only wants the best for us. I've been through this before. I've explained before why He would allow these things to happen. Its all part of His plan and greater good will come of it. He has never let me down and I know He won't now. But infertility is still so hard. Besides in a way I asked for this. I prayed once, not long ago, that when God gives us our miracle that He would show up in a big way, leaving no doubt that the glory is all His. So if DH was suddenly giving us great numbers and the RE was giving us good odds for success than wouldn't that take away a little of God's glory allowing some credit to be given to science? Not in our mind of course because we know how long we've waited and prayed but to others I can see how they would give science the credit. I often wonder if we do IVF and are successful, if I would be a little disappointed that I didn't get a big showy miracle. But it would still be a miracle to us, one we would treasure in our hearts and forever give Him credit for. But if we are going to defy all odds when we get our miracle then God would have to create a situation in which conception is impossible or hopeless, right? Its all part of His plan, I know it because I asked for it.
So I'm sorry I was so angry and blamed God on Sunday, it was wrong.....but He loves me anyway :)
Thank the Lord for His mercy!