Lilypie - Third Birthday

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Sorry God but I'm pissed

I still love you God but I can't deny that I'm mad at you right now. Why do you keep doing this to me? DH always has a count around 10-14mil/ml during the winter months and now today it was only 2mil/ml? That's worse than his average count during the summer months. I'm sure that God has only done this to make me unhappy and probably to teach me something. I was feeling so hopeful after a two year break, I was looking forward to this IUI for over a year, I really thought this would be it for us. And now I'm very angry and disappointed as once again we had only 1 mil post wash. Sure everyone says it only takes one but lets be realistic here. While that theory may technically be true it is statistically very VERY unlikely that an IUI with only 1 mil sperm will be successful. I felt like I should apologize to my RE and nurse for wasting their time on a Sunday. I'm now remembering why we gave up treatments, the disappointment and heartbreak from the constant bad news is too much to bear. Why God, couldn't you just give me something good to think about the next 2 weeks? Even if it didn't work if I could at least carry a flicker of hope in my heart during the 2ww. Now there is nothing but another broken bleeding wound in my heart. I just want to give up for good. And I'm so angry that a loving God would give me such a desire to be a mommy and then not let me. That does not sound very loving to me. It sounds cruel. Why does He constantly make me endure such misery? I'm so mad.

I'm just venting here, I still love God and have complete faith in Him and I know in my heart that He is a loving God and hurts when I hurt but I can't help but be a little angry with him. Everything was looking so perfect this cycle, I was so happy and then every last bit of hope that we will ever have a family is ripped from my heart leaving a hemoraging hole on a heart that was delicately stitched back together in the first place. This sucks. This sucks a lot. But I'll be okay. And when I'm done feeling sorry for myself I'm gonna put my big girl panties on and continue to live happily ever after just me and DH. But right now I'm still angry at God and myself. Why did I let myself get hopeful again? Why was I so positive and happy? Stupid me.

5 comments:

  1. I am so sorry! I can understand your disappointment.

    Please just know that God is not doing this to you - the bad things in our life do not come from God, its the devil that does it to you and convinces you to blame God. God gave his only Son for you, your sins and your inequities, why would he take it away again? I'm sorry I did not want to preach, just correct you here, God gets blamed for such a lot of stuff when its actually the devil's fault. I also believed stuff like that for a long time and I have learnt so much recently...

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  2. You are so right, and I know what you say is true. Its just very hard not to blame God when clearly He could fix it all. But it is the devil and our own sin that makes life suck so much. I can't imagine how much it would suck without God as part of my life.

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  3. ARGH. that is disappointing. will pray things will still go well. hard to know what God is doing. hang in there. try and have lots of distractions these two weeks, if possible!!!

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  4. I am so sorry :( It is so hard when your hopes are so high to just have it ripped away like that.

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  5. Jen, I want you to read this post: http://hannahsvictory.com/blog/2011/01/18/when-disaster-strikes/#comments. It's about the Character of God, then you will understand...

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