Here's another good idea from a fellow blogger. She said to read "Intimacy Ignited", a study on the Song of Solomon and marital sex. So I started it and it is good! When I finish reading it I will devote a post just to this book and my sex life with DH, maybe I should put a TMI warning on that one, since my MIL reads this blog too ;)
So HSG tomorrow.....yikes, I'm getting so nervous! Two years ago when I had an SIS done prior to IVF I thought that was incredibly painful. Almost everyone has said that the HSG is worse. I wouldn't be so worried if I could come home and do nothing the rest of the day but I have to go to work at noon and likely be on my feet until 5:00. I am going to acupuncture immediately after the HSG so hopefully if I am having any pain she can help. I'm also worried because the nurse said not to take any ibuprofen because they will give me a shot of something she said was super ibuprofen to prevent cramping an hour before the actual HSG. I don't know what drug it is, started with a T but once I had a shot of Demerol and it seriously made me dizzy, I actually passed out twice. I have never passed out any other time in my life. Its a very weird feeling when everything starts going dark and you know your going down. But it must not be too serious of a drug because I can still drive myself home. Quite honestly I will be a little shocked if I don't get an all clear report from the HSG. No one has ever seen even a hint of any kind of fertility problems on my end and I always get told I have picture perfect fertility. But at the same time there is always this little feeling that maybe I might have endo and as I ponder the fact that DH and I have never gotten pregnant on our own after 4 years of well timed intercourse, maybe I won't get a good report tomorrow. I am expecting a good report but its not impossible that after all this time we find out I'm not as fertile as they keep telling me I am. But mostly I'm just nervous and anxious about the possible pain.
Tonight is my last dose of clomid. Maybe I can get a good night sleep tomorrow. I always take my clomid right before bed. This is based on my un-scientific theory that I will then sleep through the side effects. Compared to some other girls' reactions to clomid it seems to work. I have minor headaches during the day but my only real side effect is waking up with hot flashes at night and tossing and turning because one minute I'm sweating, the next I'm shivering. Not that I should complain about sleep, after all we're doing this so that I will end up pregnant and not sleep a solid night for the next 18 years. I wonder if anyone else ever panics that they might actually get pregnant. The other night as I was sitting on the couch with DH after we were both exhausted from a tough day he said something about being so tired he can hardly get up. And I thought "boy I'm glad we don't have kids, I can't imagine being this tired and still having to make them something to eat and give them a bath and put them to bed". Then I thought "oh crap, what if this IUI actually works?! What if I do end up with the twins my heart so longs for?! That will be the end of nights like this."
So often I don't associate what we're doing with getting pregnant. In some ways it helps me to stay grounded and not so disappointed. This IUI seems like just another procedure and the money we're paying for it seems like just a charitable donation to my RE for which I will get nothing in return. How sad is that? But at the same time I do feel great hope for the next few months of treatment. I really feel in my heart that God is going to give us biological babies, maybe two at a time. I just don't know if now is the time yet.
A couple days ago I blogged about the dvd we watched in our bible study and how I feel bad that I can't wrap my mind around God's awesomeness. This Sunday I was a bit distracted in church and I'd listen to the sermon then my mind would wander. But when he said this, he had my complete attention:
"God doesn't expect us to wrap our minds around Him and understand Him, He didn't design us to. We only need to wrap our arms around Jesus."
I think He put that line in there especially for me this week since I was feeling guilty for not being able to fully understand and appreciate just how great and awesome He is. The Lord knows I will never understand His ways, now if I would just stop trying to understand it and start wrapping my arms around Jesus, how much more peace and joy will I find? It is amazing when you can finally look back and see how God's plan unraveled. I always look back at the struggles DH and I had in our dating relationship and the hardship of his family moving him away and forcing a long distance relationship on us. Now I see how what we went through then has only made our relationship, love and marriage stronger and better. But I didn't know then that I would have the rest of my life to be with this man. Now I praise God for the hardships we endured then so that we can reap the rewards now.
Someday I will look at our struggle to have a baby the same way. I don't hope that someday I will see the good in this, I KNOW that someday I will.