Almost A Whole Week Old

If this is any indication how fast he's going to grow up, I'm in trouble.  I can't believe he is going to be a week old tomorrow already.  He is so precious, I wish I could show you all pictures.  But I'm taking lots and will post when we finalize.  Bmom wants to get together next week and meet half way.  I'm happy to do that if it helps her but hopefully when she is able to go back to work she can go longer between visits. 

J was fussy for the first time late yesterday and last night.  I couldn't figure him out and felt so bad.  Its hurts to see your baby cry and not know why.  But this morning I fed him 3 oz instead of two and he was happy as could be and has been sleeping all day.  The nurses said not to feed him more than two until his first doctor visit but he's a growing little boy and if he says he needs more to eat then his momma is gonna give it to him.  He hasn't spit up or complained of a tummy ache so I think he was just fussy yesterday because he was still hungry.  Today he spent a long time sleeping on my chest and I thought life was just about perfect for that hour.  How many times did I dream of having a little bundle of joy in the house to love and cuddle with?  A long time and now that he's here and such a good baby so far, its everything I thought it would be, except for the constant worry about him.  Didn't plan on that part. 

He's Home!!

Sweet little J was born July 20th at 8:28 pm and weighed 7 lbs 0 oz, 20.5 in.  He is perfect in every way.  Since he came via emergency c-section we weren't discharged from the hospital until Monday night.  Since it was late and we have a 4 hour drive we stayed at a hotel with the birthparents.  They signed papers early Tuesday morning and we spent the rest of the day with them, giving them plenty of time to say goodbye.  I cried all the way home, I expected to be happier but it broke my heart to leave without them.  We got so close over the weekend they feel like family.  I even cried when I said goodbye to birth grandma.  They are our family now and we love them.  I can not believe how incredibly strong bmom is.  The whole thing could not have gone better except the sadness of saying goodbye.  We talked about both sides of the adoption process and it was cool to hear their side of the story and how and when they picked us and how they were feeling after our meetings.  We were so open and comfortable with them.  I was never worried they wouldn't sign.  At one point I was worried they would and I would be responsible for this sweet little person.  (I still feel that way when I think about being his mommy for life, its overwhelming!)   We bonded over how much we all dislike the social worker.  I know she's doing her job but she just made things more uncomfortable.  Thankfully she is a busy lady and left Saturday morning, not to return until Monday  night so we had the weekend to bond without her overbearing presence.  We've been texting and I know bmom is sad but says she'll be okay.  We have plans to meet again in 3 weeks but if she has a really hard time, I will suggest we meet somewhere half way sooner.  There is so much I want to share but at the same time it was so special, I just want to keep it close to my heart and not share it.  I will decide what to share more in future posts. 

I wish I could post pictures so you all could see how cute J is but we can't put pictures online until finalization.  So far he is a perfect baby and I'm still wondering when the hard part starts.  He sleeps for 4-5 hours between feedings and when he's awake he doesn't fuss.  Last night DH fed him before he went to bed at 11, I fed and changed him at 2:30 and was back in bed within 15 min.  Then we got up for the day and fed him again at 6am.  This morning he was awake for over an hour, just looking around and listening to me and his great grandma.  I had planned on putting him on Enfamil but the hospital used Similac Sensitive and he is doing so well on it that I better keep him on it.  No tummy aches or spit up so far.  He is my little angel specially delivered straight from heaven.  I still cry whenever I think of his bmom and what a huge gift she gave us. 

Its Finally Time!

We are off to the hospital, bmom is in labor, yay!  Finally, its time :) Pray all goes well for us!

Still Waiting

Still no baby, still no update.  This can't possibly be normal agency behavior.  If I have no right to know what's going on then I wish they'd at least tell me that.  Yesterday I emailed my social worker and asked her to talk to their social worker and get me an update.  I haven't heard back from her.  I know I should just call but I don't want to bother them, what if it is standard policy that they keep me in the dark and they think I'm just annoying?  But this can't be right, I'm sure they are just overlooking me or think that I'm fine with not knowing anything.  We'll see if my social worker gets back to me today but I'm pretty sure she's just going to tell me to be patient. 

Last night I had a dream that we finally got the call and she said that the baby was born a few days ago and they decided to keep it.  Its not hard to see where that dream came from with them not giving me any updates.  For all I know that really could have happened and they just forgot to call me!  Okay, probably not but its starting to feel that way.  I have loved our agency up to this point but the fact that they are providing so little support right now is ruining my trust in them. 

I'm sure its stressful enough waiting for a baby when your pregnant and going to the doctor appointments but its even worse when you have no clue if this baby is getting ready or still two weeks off with no signs of labor.  Plus I'm stressed about work because they haven't found me a permanent replacement, the boss won't email me back about it and as of July 30th, there is no one to work for me.  All of that combined with the fact that I had to beg people to work for me this week and now I feel guilty because the baby isn't here and I'm home when I could be at work.  Bmom didn't want to be induced but her maternity leave starts on her due date.  So maybe when she is no longer working she will be just as ready as I am to get on with this. 

I know I sound ungrateful.  We have had such a great adoption journey and I'm making this worse than it is.  If I would just have a little more faith in God's perfect timing maybe I could have a better attitude.  In some ways I wonder if the past is part of my bad attitude.  I do kinda feel the same way as I did after a failed treatment cycle.  Like its impossible for us to ever have a baby, like its never going to happen, like I was silly to get so excited thinking this time was going to be the one that gave us our baby.  There is no reason for me to feel like this is over but for some reason I do, even though we have been sure the entire time that this baby is meant to be ours.  I don't know what's getting into me here.  I know she can't keep the baby in there forever and she will eventually go into labor but she can keep him forever in her arms if she chooses to. 

4 Days Until What?

What happens in 4 days?  Well chances are nothing.  I've been watching the days tick off and now that we're almost there I realize that J might not even be here in 4 days.  Since bmom doesn't want to be induced she may go a ways past her due date.  I can't imagine the doctors would let her since her trouble with low amniotic fluid but they probably can't force her to be induced.  I know her maternity leave doesn't start until her due date so maybe she is just trying to make it that far.  I wish that someone would tell me what's going on.  Its starting to feel like there isn't really even a baby on the way.  If there is, he could still be 2.5 weeks away for all I know.  Besides that, since she didn't know she was pregnant until 4 months along, how accurate is her due date?  It would have had to be ultrasound dated and the further along you are the harder it is to get an accurate date.  I know he's been measuring small but I also know she eats a lot of junk food so that is a cause for low birth weight or her due date could be later than they think.  I just wish they would give me some indication or let me know what the doctors are saying.  At least give me a date they will induce if she isn't labor yet, even if its several weeks from now!  Just give me a finish line here!

I'm ready now, I've had the weekend and a couple days to get everything ready and off my to do list and now I'm just waiting.  I plan on quitting my job eventually but don't want to do so until we actually bring this baby home so for now I'm on vacation from work.  I've been on vacation before but I don't know if its the restlessness of waiting for this baby or the fact that I might not go back to work at all but this vacation feels different.  I can't believe I'm about to say this but I think I miss getting up and going to work every day.  I know, its only been two days! I'm a person who really likes routine and I'm just having trouble adjusting to a new one, especially since its not going to be a permanent one.  Plus DH is super busy trying to get work done so he can take time off when the baby gets here so I've hardly seen him.  Everyone says I should enjoy this time before the baby comes since I'll never have this life again.  But really we've been planning on starting our family for over 5 years, I feel like we've done everything we've wanted to do as a child free couple.  Last night DH said it feels like we're just in a stand still waiting for our new life to start.  There is no enjoying ourselves, we just want to hold this baby!  I've been dreaming about him every night lately, about the hospital, bringing him home, sharing him with family.  Obviously this little baby is all I can think about!  But the excitement of past weeks is gone and now I'm just feeling impatient and frustrated. 

I have some little things to do around the house and yard today but I'm just not motivated.  I might practice installing the car seat today, wash some new baby clothes, pay some bills, pull some weeds in the garden and around our landscaping.  Nothing that will help keep my mind off the baby.

Almost There

Bmom is 39 weeks today.  I can't imagine what she's feeling right now but here's what I'm feeling.  I've never run a marathon (I'd like to someday) but I imagine somewhere towards the end you start to feel like you can't do it anymore and you won't be able to finish or that it isn't worth it.  The last few days have been like that for me.  I try not to let the what ifs get control of me but they kinda do.  I know bmom had an appointment on Monday and with her amniotic fluid being low last week, I thought it was possible they would have to induce this week.  I'm thankful they didn't since now I am done with work and after today my to-do list will be done.  But I went all week without hearing a word from anyone about how she is doing.  Its very frustrating this close to the end.  Last time I went 5 weeks without an update and when I asked the agency for one they never called me back.  I get that they're busy but do they not care about adoptive parents at all?!   They must know how we are feeling through all of this and that we need updates to put our minds at ease.  So finally yesterday I texted their social worker and said "How is ___ this week?  Have her fluid levels been okay?  Any signs of labor yet?"  and this was her response....."doing fine."  Seriously!?  8 days before due date and that's all you'll give me?!  I was so frustrated and she really just killed my excitement.  It may have been better if she just hadn't responded.   They say they provide adoptive parent counseling but at what point does that happen?  After we bring the baby home?  Cause I could sure use some support right about now.  Our social worker emails me once every 3 weeks and says "just checking in, when's the baby due again?"  Uh don't you have that in your file or something?  With our second meeting she called 1 hour before the scheduled time and said "oh I forgot to tell you, you have a meeting with the birthparents today."  Lucky for us the agency called to set up the meeting so we were already almost there (4 hour drive).  I love our agency, I really do but I've never been a fan of our social worker and I'm feeling like they could provide a little more support right about now or at least a little more communication.  Are they even going to call me when the baby is born?  Of course she said she would but I'm starting to wonder. 

As we come closer to our time at the hospital it feels like this is it, this is what it all comes down to.  What if he's not healthy?  What if they don't sign?  What if we come home with empty arms?  What if I can't do this?  How do I drive away with someone else's baby while they are in tears over it?  It just seems so hard and so overwhelming.  Yesterday I cried to DH again saying I can't do this and I want to give up.  I haven't done that since our final homestudy visit.  I don't really want to give up of course but it just feels like so much.  We've had a really good adoption experience, a great one by comparison to some but its still really hard.  Even when things have been going so smoothly and we had such a short wait and great birthparents, its still hard.  I'm just going to stick with what's worked for me, not think about it and leave it in God's hands.  He'll handle this much better than I would.

I wrote my first letter to J this week.  I started a journal for him that I'll give him someday.  DH and I got gifts for bmom and bdad last night.  A locket with J's name engraved for her and a key chain with the name engraved for him.  We also got a digital picture frame to give them on our first visit after the baby is born, by then we can have it full of pictures of him.  I told DH its kinda risky buying a locket and key chain engraved with the baby's name cause what do we do with it when they don't sign?  DH told me to stop talking like that and have a little faith.  God's hand has been obviously all over this from the beginning and we just need to trust Him.  Besides that we both feel in our hearts that this baby is meant to be ours.  Even though people say that all the time and are disappointed we're still going all in. 

The freezer is stocked with easy food for when we get home, our bags are packed, my house is clean and now we're just waiting for the phone to ring!

Thank You Gift Of Adoption Fund!

I applied for 4 grants and after three rejection letters, I finally got good news.  The Gift of Adoption Fund awarded us a grant for $3,000.  Woohoo!!!  We have to write a check for $18k when we leave the hospital and now it will only be $15k.  We have most of it saved but I've been nervous about spending every penny we have and then me not going to back to work.  It seems like a small amount when looking at the over all cost of adoption but we are so grateful for it.   Can you all do me a favor and help spread the word about the Gift of Adoption Fund?  Like them or post a comment on facebook, mention them on your blogs and encourage people to add them to their charitable contributions list.  This is the last one I expected to recieve a grant from but yay! we're so excited to have this little bit of financial help.  We will definitely pay it forward by giving back to them in the future when we can afford to do so. 

If your looking for grants our agency has some links on their resources page here, http://www.nhadoptionagency.org/grants/

Insenstive Comments

We met with our expectant birthparents this week and 2 of the expectant grandparents.  And it went great!  As we get to know them better, they feel more and more like family.  I know I've said it before but this feels like such a perfect match that I can't imagine this adoption failing.  We talked about the baby a lot, which always makes me feel better because I always feel like I shouldn't bring it up.  Which I know is silly but I don't want them to feel like all I care about is the baby.  The grandparents asked a lot about our family and our lives but it didn't feel weird or like we were being interrogated.  I always imagined the relationship with our adopted child's bio family to be uncomfortable but a good friend told me it wouldn't be, the only reason she gave was "it just isn't".  She was 100% correct and even now I can't give a better reason myself.  It just isn't.  Why do we always need concrete reasons for everything anyway?  A little bit of faith can go a long way.  Bdad's mom said before she left that she's really excited for us and that this is going to be one lucky little boy.  A simple thing for her to say but it really meant a lot to me.  It would be wrong for me to say I loved our baby's (he will be referred to as J from now on) bio family immediately but I definitely feel love growing for them as the days go by.  Never in a million years did I expect adoption to be this awesome of an experience. 

On a little more negative note, I've been sort of sensitive to comments well intentioned people have been making and I'm afraid its only the beginning.  Here's what I've heard this week.....

"I hope the ultrasound is wrong and its a girl so our little girl has someone to play dolls with".

"When is the baby coming?"  followed by "Is she ready to get rid of it yet?" 

"If she is still with the father, I just can't understand why she wouldn't want to keep it".

"I'm just concerned about you possibly homeschooling, don't you know those kids have issues.  He needs the social interaction of school and you don't even have a teaching degree." 

All of these comments made by my family and DH's family, not random strangers.  And the homeschooling idea is just something we're considering and will do more research on.  Just like the person who made that comment should do more research instead of making ignorant comments before checking his facts or meeting some homeschooled kids.  But I won't get into that debate today, J is not even here yet and people are acting like we're bad parents.  I'm sure there is much more where that came from. 

J will be here soon, I don't think he'll make his due date.  My sub is on vacation so I hope he waits one more week.  Last week her amniotic fluid was low, she got it back up to an acceptable level but if she can't keep it there they will induce, even though she doesn't want to be induced.  She said she is not ready to have this baby because she doesn't want to not be able to work.  I think part of it is because she wants to hold on to him as long as possible.  I'd be worried if she wasn't attached to him but I know that signing the papers will be really hard for her and that makes me nervous.  Thank goodness she is going to the doctor regularly now so they are watching her closely.  We found out this week that she didn't know she was pregnant until she was 4 months along.  I'm praying he will be healthy even though he hasn't had much prenatal care until recently.   

FREE Book Give Away

As you know I've been doing massive house cleaning in preparation for bringing our little baby home.  If you or someone you know would like any of these book/resources please email me you address and I will send them to you for free.  My email is jenbabe_luvs_tex at hotmail dot com. 

Two most recent "Adoptive Families" Magazines

What Every Adoptive Family Should Know DVD from Show Hope

Tragic Blessing by Bret Merkle (not IF or Adoption related)

Baby Hunger by Beth Forbus w/ In-Depth Study Guide

Inconceivable by Shannon Woodward

When The Cradle Is Empty by John & Sylvia Van Regenmorter

Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake

The Infertility Companion by Glahn & Cutrer

Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman (not IF related but a great book on sexual intimacy in marriage)

These were all helpful to me and hopefully with bring peace to someone else.  I'm more than happy to ship them to you for free.  Enjoy!