Thursday, March 3, 2011

Fertilization Report

I'm a little bummed about it. Out of our 13 eggs we have 5 embryos currently growing. 2 eggs were immature, 3 didn't fertilize normally, and 3 had no genetic material in them. What the heck does that mean? Did I just make that many bad eggs? So now I'm feeling like this will never work and like DH and I just can't mix our DNA to make babies. But then I remember that I prayed for just the right number of embryos and maybe this is it. Maybe this is just my prayers being answered and I have to have faith. This is to be my new motto, "You just have to have faith".

I'm two years older and wiser than when we did our first IVF and I can't get over how dumb we were. We limited fertilization to 4 eggs and ended up with 3 embryos, one of which was dying by our 3 day transfer. An impending sign of what the other two would soon do also. I can't believe we risked so much money and emotional havoc on 3 little embryos. I guess maybe we had faith that God would give us our babies on the first try. Now I'm afraid our 5 little embies this time share the same fate. But I can't think like that, I have to be positive. People with issues far worse than ours still have babies. This whole cycle I've been too busy with work and life to really think about what we're doing. When I have thought about it I don't know what to think so I just go back to not thinking about it. But I'm a little freaked out now, thinking what if we didn't think and pray about it long enough, what if we rushed this decision and wasted a ton of money? We are paying for all of this out of pocket and its going to make things tight for a while til we get our bank account built back up again. I'm so scared this won't work. I'm suddenly remembering last time and how painful miscarriage after IVF was both emotionally and physically. I swore I would never put myself through it again but here I am. How the heck did I get here again? What was I thinking? There was one monitoring appointment where I practically starting bawling and told them to forget it, I wanted to quit. I had that same feeling on the way to the retrieval yesterday. Then I tell myself to put on my big girl panties and do what I gotta do. While I'm still not feeling positive I've got little embies growing and they need me to give them a chance at life. I want to finish this now, no matter how it turns out. Whether right or wrong the decision has been made and I have to follow through. There is nothing we are facing this time that we didn't already survive once so I'm sure it will all work out. I just have to have faith. We came so close last time with only 3 embryos, maybe we'll get our take home baby this time, maybe just maybe this will be it.

They scheduled me for a 3 day transfer since we have only a few embryos. I'm going to acupuncture Friday night and again after my transfer Saturday. I don't know if it does much good but it seemed to help last time. Maybe it will at least make me feel better since my retrieval yesterday. I'm no wimp when it comes to pain but I could hardly walk yesterday. Still a lot of discomfort today but at least I can move around and I went to work.

I just have to have faith, I just have to have faith.......

1 comment:

  1. oh wow i feel for you. there is so much hanging on this! yet there is not much we can do. hope you don't feel too much discomfort and the transfer goes well... trusting God is so difficult in times like these. but the only reliable thing to hold on to huh... thinking of you.