Friday, March 25, 2011

Moving Ahead

Well here I am a week after our failed IVF. Thank you all for your comments and support. I'm amazed at how much complete strangers can change things. I often wonder where DH and I would be in our infertility journey now if we didn't have access to the support and information available online.

AF has come and gone and I'm so relieved to have my body back under my own control and not the meds. I have not been a good wife to DH the past month and I'm ready to get back to normal. Really, my life is no different now than it was 3 months ago. I'm not really depressed but I don't have the same excitement for the future. I know what tomorrow will bring....same thing as yesterday. But that's okay, DH and I have a pretty good life together and a lot to be thankful for. I haven't blogged this past week because I just don't know what to say. Honestly I'm just not dwelling on our infertility enough to have anything to share about it. I'm not doing any soul searching, I'm not questioning God trying to figure out why I can't have a baby, I'm not asking my RE questions to figure out why this didn't work and where we go next. I'm not asking any questions at all because I already know there are no answers. I have no soul searching to do because it just seems like too much work that will only lead to confusion and heartache. I'm not questioning God because I know He will not give me any answers and I'm not questioning our RE because that door is firmly shut. After our first IVF almost worked, he told us our m/c was just a coincidence and with our situation we would most likely be successful with a second attempt. Well, he was wrong but at least now I can stop putting my hopes and dreams into IVF. No more wondering what would happen if we tried it one more time. I don't think I will ever set foot back into my RE's office. If I do, they should stamp me "hopeless case" and throw me out. Besides the fact that more IVF attempts would just be a huge waste of money, I'm starting to feel bad about creating life only to see it lost. We've sent 8 embies to heaven now and I feel responsible for that. True, they are much better off there than on this miserable planet but I still feel like maybe its time for me to leave the life creating up to the Creator Himself.

My head and my heart are conflicting lately. While I know God is faithful and loves me and has a plan, I just don't feel that way. What I believe and what I feel are opposite. I feel like God has forgotten me, not that He hates me or doesn't love me but just that He has forgotten and can't hear me. But in all honestly I don't do a lot of talking to Him anymore so I'm not surprised if He forgot about me. I believe He loves me, wants the best for me and knows the number of hairs on my head. I just don't feel that way. I also believe that He can and does do miracles, people who are told they will never have babies miraculously get pregnant all the time. But while I believe He can do a miracle like that for me, I don't believe He will. Sure miracles happen.....just not to me. I don't think that DH and I will ever have a family anymore. I always felt in my heart that we would but now I don't. But I think that's okay. DH and I are so comfortable in our selfish little world that I don't think we'd be good parents anyway.

As much as I have wanted to be stubborn and rebel and be angry against God, I just can't do it. I know the truth of who and what He is. I might be feeling hurt and disappointed but I can't ignore that He exists or that He is active in my life, just because He doesn't give me what I want. But I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I don't know what His plan is for me but if He wants me to do something He's going to have to make in painfully obvious because until I'm told otherwise I'm going to just keep waking up in the morning, going to work, and taking care of my DH. If I get to heaven someday and he says, "well Jen I'm disappointed, I had a plan for you to be/do something great but you wouldn't listen", all I can say is "yep, I'm disappointed too". But it is what it is. I feel so old, like my baby and family years have passed me by already. I'm not sure I even want a miraculous pregnancy when I'm 45, much less 100 like in the bible. I'm not even sure I want one when I'm 35.

I know this isn't a real positive post and I'm not exactly finding the joy in the storm. But I'm really not in a bad place about this. Yes, I'm disappointed but I'm putting my big girl panties on and moving on with my life. My life is no different than it was before, except I left my shattered dream of being a mommy behind and I'm still looking for a dream to replace it.

1 comment:

  1. oh my dear friend....hugs and love to you heart is crying with you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your little ones.

    praying for God to hold you close today, and for peace that passes all understanding.

    Nothing helps, I know. But hoping that you find some comfort today in those who love you.