Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Discouraged & Bitter

Today I called my new doctor's office to talk about doing an IUI cycle in December. When I had seen Dr. M in June he said that of course IVF is our best option but that if we wanted to do an IUI in December when DH's counts were up it wouldn't hurt to try and he'd be willing to do it. We'd have to see what the post wash counts were before he could say what our chances of success would be. The nurse today said that my chart didn't say anything about an IUI in December and that it said he "did not recommend 6 IUI cycles before moving on to further treatment". Well duh, no one is talking about doing 6 IUIs here. I wonder if that is their standard procedure since he is just an ob/gyn. Maybe they sometimes try that many IUIs before referring people to the RE. Of course I'm doing things backward so that does not apply here. Regardless of whatever my chart says I got a very bad vibe from the nurse like my chart really said "Will NEVER Get Pregnant - Hopeless Cause!" So I'm not sure if the nurse just didn't understand our situation or if this new doctor that I was really excited about was only lying to make me feel better. Maybe there is no chance for us. I had a really hard time picking up the phone to call today. I really feel like this is what we should be doing but its so hard to get back into it. I've been looking forward to it for so long and now I feel like I'm forcing myself to go through with it. Its a painful road to travel and its scary to go back down it. Life is so much better without appointments, huge bills, drugs and worrying about whether or not be hopeful. I can't help but think we are only wasting our money and why would I put us through this again. If nothing has working in four years there is no reason why it would work now. And why does it have to be so fricken hard all the time? Why can't we just have sex and get pregnant? Its so easy to get caught up in the anger of how unjust things are. I always said we were not giving up just taking a break for a while. Today I'm seriously feeling like its time to throw in the towel for good. Really truly give up on having a family. How sad to think about giving up but I feel so disappointed that no one seems to have a positive attitude for us. Makes it hard for me to have a positive attitude too. If I feel this way already, how awful will I feel when we do an IUI and it fails? I'm not sure I have enough hope to go through another "if you insist we'll try it" IUI. I don't have the strength to push for something no one seems to think is worth doing. Maybe we should just do IVF again. But these are uncertain economic times to be spending $10k we don't have and I'm not sure I have the heart to put into that either. I don't know why this is so heavy on my heart today, I have not felt this negative about our infertility it a long time. Perhaps its the PMS talking. The way I figure the math we should have somewhere between 8-12 mil post wash, for sure 5 mil and according to the one lab most of them are normal morph, while the other lab says 0% of them are normal. So lets just meet in the middle and says some of them are normal and everyone says 5-10 mil motile post wash is good odds for an IUI. Why doesn't anyone else see it that way? I really think since we did IVF everyone automatically takes our other options off the table and says we should just do IVF again. Like its just no big deal to do it again since we did it once. Yeah people IVF is no big deal, especially when your 100% out of pocket.

The nurse said she would have to talk to the doctor to find out his opinion and get back to me. I waited all afternoon and of course she called five minutes after I finally left the house. I'll call back in the morning and we'll see if the news is any more positive.

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