All this time I thought that I was healing emotionally. I was spending all this time with my niece and nephew and not feeling bitter, angry, jealous or overly negative about my situation. I really felt like I had accepted it and moved on. I wasn't even dreading the holidays. Until yesterday.....
We went out of town to see DH's family. His brother had a baby this summer but we hardly ever see them. When we did see them this summer I was completely okay and enjoyed meeting my new little niece. Yesterday on the way home I just started crying. DH's two cousins had their little baby girls there also and all the old feelings came back to me. I don't know if its my stress and frustration over possibly actively TTC again or what but I was so bitter and jealous all day. I cried for two hours all the way home. DH said he knew I was upset because I didn't hold or play with any of the babies all day. The pain I thought was healed hit me so hard and raw like it just happened, like the past two years of peace and joy were all just a dream. Two years ago about this time we were preparing for IVF. The IVF that led to losing our baby and with it the hopes of us ever having children. Somehow I found hope again the past two years and now with the holidays and possibly going back to the RE, I feel as though I am in the same hopeless broken place I was two years ago.
As broken as I was yesterday and despite all the tears my heart still whispered "don't lose faith, you will be a mother someday". I just know that is the truth, even when the future looks completely dark.
P.S. Mary, if your reading this I really missed you yesterday. The inlaws are so much more bearable with you there!