Sunday, November 14, 2010

Hope's not giving up

Earlier this week I talked to DH about doing an IUI. He didn't give a definite answer because he never really does, he just states the pros and cons of each choice and says whatever I think is best is what we should do. I hate that! Eventually he said we should make the RE do what we want. After all, we're paying him for services, why would he deny us? The only reason I can think of is because of his ART statistics. If he does a bunch of IUIs that don't work, that doesn't look good on statistics. There is no way to put a footnote that we didn't stand a chance but insisted he do it. DH also agreed that in some ways its good we're going back to the RE because we know the routine and we know what to expect. I was having a little anxiety over where and how the new doc would do the IUI and mostly about where DH would give his sample. Public bathrooms don't work well for him and we live too far away to do it at home yet too close to get a hotel room. So at least at the RE they have the special rooms where DH is comfortable doing his business. At this point I was still having my ups and downs about whether to do it or not. Mostly my downs when some sort of action is required like making a phone call to the doc or going to an appointment because I'm just afraid of traveling this road again. It consumes you, it disappointments you, it hurts, and once your on it there is a fear of never leaving it. But on my up days I'm so excited because I really feel like the time is right for this to work for us. Oh how disappointed I will be if it doesn't!

Then last night we were watching something on tv where a spouse died and somehow the conversation came up about moving on and he said he would have to remarry because he has this overwhelming desire to have a family. We've had this conversation before but usually he says he'd have to remarry because he needs sex and couldn't get that outside of marriage! Although I know he deeply desires a family, I was still a little surprised to hear him say that. So that's when I decided I have to keep trying. Even if I'm ready to throw in the towel, DH is obviously not. In my heart I know we will have a family, I just don't know when or how. I can't give up, hope doesn't give up.

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