I have a few confessions to make as an infertile. Although infertility doesn't control my life the way it used to, it still sneaks in when I'm not expecting it and I haven't totally broken free.
1. I say I gave up scrapbooking because I don't have time. The truth is I don't take pictures much or scrapbook anymore because my last book got full after our Mexico vacation. When we got home from that trip we decided we were going to start trying to have a baby and I planned on starting a new scrapbook with that next big step in our lives. That was over 4 years ago. Now I just can't bring myself to start a new scrapbook of our same old boring mundane lives, it just doesn't seem worthy of a new book. So I don't scrapbook anymore because of infertility.
2. I almost broke down and POAS last month. I haven't done that for two years and realize our chances are nil. But I had killer PMS and caught a touch of the flu at exactly the right time to make me think.....just maybe. Now I'm terribly ashamed to admit how foolishly close I came to doing it.
3. I've caught myself daydreaming a lot lately about having a baby (twins to be exact), planning the nursery, thinking about names, how I will break the news at work and to the family, holding and loving them, watching DH melt when he sees his babies. I think its just my hopefulness for our IUI but this is the first time that my fantasies seem like they could become real. I HATE that I'm setting myself up for such disappointment.
4. I'm not dreading the holidays this year. I love being around my nieces and nephew. In some ways I pretend they're mine, but not in a creepy psycho kidnapper kind of way. It mostly just fulfills my mothering instinct to care for them, even changing a diaper is secretly satisfying.
5. I'm ovulating this week and DH and I have had sex quite spontaneously and in random places. Infertility is a sex life killer and we are finally starting to enjoy it like newlyweds. I'm afraid doing an IUI will suck us back into the world of infertilty treatments and pressured sex again. I'm determined not to let it take hold of me again, I don't want to go back there.