Lilypie - Third Birthday

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sunday Confessions

I have a few confessions to make as an infertile. Although infertility doesn't control my life the way it used to, it still sneaks in when I'm not expecting it and I haven't totally broken free.

1. I say I gave up scrapbooking because I don't have time. The truth is I don't take pictures much or scrapbook anymore because my last book got full after our Mexico vacation. When we got home from that trip we decided we were going to start trying to have a baby and I planned on starting a new scrapbook with that next big step in our lives. That was over 4 years ago. Now I just can't bring myself to start a new scrapbook of our same old boring mundane lives, it just doesn't seem worthy of a new book. So I don't scrapbook anymore because of infertility.

2. I almost broke down and POAS last month. I haven't done that for two years and realize our chances are nil. But I had killer PMS and caught a touch of the flu at exactly the right time to make me think.....just maybe. Now I'm terribly ashamed to admit how foolishly close I came to doing it.

3. I've caught myself daydreaming a lot lately about having a baby (twins to be exact), planning the nursery, thinking about names, how I will break the news at work and to the family, holding and loving them, watching DH melt when he sees his babies. I think its just my hopefulness for our IUI but this is the first time that my fantasies seem like they could become real. I HATE that I'm setting myself up for such disappointment.

4. I'm not dreading the holidays this year. I love being around my nieces and nephew. In some ways I pretend they're mine, but not in a creepy psycho kidnapper kind of way. It mostly just fulfills my mothering instinct to care for them, even changing a diaper is secretly satisfying.

5. I'm ovulating this week and DH and I have had sex quite spontaneously and in random places. Infertility is a sex life killer and we are finally starting to enjoy it like newlyweds. I'm afraid doing an IUI will suck us back into the world of infertilty treatments and pressured sex again. I'm determined not to let it take hold of me again, I don't want to go back there.

3 comments:

  1. Oh to have sex just for enjoyement, those were the days!!! I also dread the holidays, we haven't stayed at home for Christmas since we have been ttc. The last four years have been spent in Costa Rica, The Dominican Republic, Florida and this year we are heading to California. We don't need any further reminding that we don't have little ones to share the day with! This month is my first IVF and I still don't think I will POAS it brings back way too many painful memories. I hope you strength to make it through the holidays and lots of bd with dh!

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  2. So many of your confessions rang so true with me. It really is amazing how ever much you 'know' your chances are almost nil - the hope is there. For me that hope is what keeps me going.

    As for spontaneous sex! Enjoy honey, I am ovulating too, but having been told from my hubby's repeat SA last week that we don;t even have enough sperm for IUI what are the chances of natural conception - well it's worth trying!

    Happy ICLW

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  3. I have done 3 IUI's and in some ways it has "taken the pressure off" of our sex life each time. I didn't have to worry about all of the little details because it was all in the dr.'s hands. Here from ILCW. Thanks for sharing! I think its so easy to let the big IF sneak back into the driver's seat, but important not to let it stay there. Best wishes!

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