Saying Goodbye

Dear friends,

I know I don't blog much these days but I do check in with all of you. Lately it seems to just stir up sadness from the past. I'd like to say that I've accepted my childless life and mostly I have but I didn't choose to accept, I accept it because there is no other choice. And I'm not who I used to be. I avoid kids and when I can't avoid them I look at how much trouble they are and tell myself I'm glad I won't ever have any. But in moments of weakness I admit I'm not glad and my heart still longs for it. But I no longer feel that our future includes children. Did I give up or surrender? Its hard to differentiate, maybe those two aren't as different as I thought. While we were trying for a baby I always felt that there was a miraculous pregnancy in my future. Now seeing so many of you get that or having successful adoptions, I just don't feel that way anymore. You'd think your stories would give me hope for my own but it doesn't. It only reminds me of how bad I wanted it and what I gave up.

But overall DH and I are very happy. The future has some changes for us that I'm excited about. And I can be happy without children. I know I have everything I need. But it does take work to block that mommy instinct that still longs for my own baby to hold. I may fight that for the rest of my life but I have babies waiting for me in heaven. In my effort to block that unfulfilled longing for children I'm ending this blog. I don't have much to say anymore and even if I try to turn this blog into something else it will forever be an infertility blog full of struggle and pain. There will be no announcing of a miraculous pregnancy and my journey to parenthood. The journey ends here. The pain of our struggle will not go way with this blog but I need to cut the strings to as many reminders as I can.

So thank you to everyone who followed us on our journey. Congrats to so many of you who got your babies and congrats to all of you who with the courage to continue the fight. Your support has meant so much to me in a world where only cyber friends can understand what we go through. God bless!

Love, Jen

Courageous

"The only way we'll ever stand, is on our knees with lifted hands".

I'm so excited for their new album out in October.

What's New?

Its been over a month since I've updated this blog, time goes by so fast it seems. So what's new? Well I have to say not much. I always hate when people ask that question because it seems there is nothing new, at least that other people would care about. It seems all I do these days is go to work, come home, take the dogs for a walk and then work around the house and garden until my early bedtime. Then I get up the next day and do the same thing. I just don't live an exciting dramatic life. Honestly, its pretty lame. But there is some comfort and stablility in the routine lameness that is my life.

Lately it seems I have seen so many of my online infertile friends move on. Move on to pregnancy or adoption. I purposely stay away from reading blogs of those who are just beginning their infertility journey because it hurts to see them move on so quickly. But now seeing my fellow infertility veterans move on leaves me wondering if my role is set. Perhaps I will be that small percent that never has children biologically or through adoption. Am I okay with that? Most of the time yes but it doesn't make the feelings of being left out go away. But it makes sense that I would eventually come to this point of the road. First my real life friends moved on without me, then countless cyber friends and now several of my good old trusted veterans. Of course I'm happy for them, I wouldn't wish for any of them to be left behind with me. I just can't help feeling sorry for myself. But before the pity party goes on too long, I come to my senses and realize I don't really care that much to have children anymore. So maybe I'm moving on to. The only reason I don't feel great about that is because I didn't exactly choose the path of living childless. If I could have kids I would. And then comes the question, why don't you just adopt? Well I don't know why exactly but anyone who can have children doesn't seem to understand its not that simple. Adoption is a calling and I just don't feel it. And I feel guilty because all these children need good homes and I just don't feel God calling me to give them one. Its not like I would say no if He dropped one on my doorstep and asked me to give the child a home but I just don't feel led to actively pursue adoption. And while I'm sitting here in this childless stand still, I'm very aware that time is going by and I'm not getting any younger. So I just turned 27 last week and I KNOW its not that old. Plenty of people don't even get married until they are my age and I probably have a good 5-10 year window of opportunity here before I'd really consider myself too old to have children. But I feel so much older, I already feel too old to have children. I know I've blogged about that before but I just don't know how to explain it.

There is some comfort in the fact that my life does seem to be going according to God's plan. I've said several times over the past year how my career opportunities keep getting practically handed to me without my asking. That is true again. I was specially selected to go to a training that will hopefully help me get a new position that will open the way to further advancement which = more money, benefits and stability. The postal service is going broke and making a lot of changes to try to save themselves. Changes which include a lot of people losing their jobs. But not me, I didn't ask for this yet here it is and it would be stupid to say no. But I've never wanted a career. I've only ever wanted to be a stay at home mom. When I was talking to my mother about this she said that God is helping me out again by giving me this new opportunity. And I said, well I don't know why because I didn't ask for it and I don't even want to work. But I know this is part of His plan and the best thing for me to do is to keep going where He leads me and be thankful for blessings and opportunities that I receive. Everyone has to make a decision at some point between giving family or career a higher priority. I always have and always will choose family. I would give up my career in a second to have my little family. But I guess I'm one of the few that has had that decision made for me. As each month passes, I feel more and more certain there are no babies or surprise pregnancies in my future. It looks more and more like I will live the rest of my days childless. Half the time DH and I don't even have sex when I'm fertile anymore. But when your chance of conception rounds down to 0%, does it really matter?

But God has a plan and I believe I'm following it. Its just hard to accept a plan that is so opposite of my own. I have faith though that His plan will ultimately make me happier than anything I could have planned for myself. Until then I just keep plugging along, taking it one day at a time. Not really unhappy but not exactly living life to its fullest either.

Easter

First an update about Ellie.....she is reinforcing my thoughts that having children is just too much work! I don't know how mother's do it. I love her to pieces already but she cries all night when we put her in her kennel for bed. Finally after 2 hours DH usually gets up and sleeps next to her kennel and then she is quiet. I know its not helping the situation but we need to sleep too! Tonight we are going to try moving her kennel into our room. It won't help when we leave her home but if it helps at night I'll be happy enough. She's had a few accidents in the house but is doing really well with potty training. And other than the bedding in her kennel, she hasn't destroyed anything yet. So she isn't a terrible puppy but I just wish she would let us sleep at night. These past few days have me almost fearful of a surprise BFP. I'm afraid I would be a terrible mother. I'm just not sure I'm even willing to make the necessary sacrifices anymore. If taking care of a new puppy is so stressful, I can't imagine a real baby. I feel like the days of being young and excited about starting a family are past, like I'm too old for it even though I'm only 26. My life is going in a different direction now and I'm okay with it. There are still painful moments but the truth is I'm not sure I want a family. If my fairy Godmother came and said I could have one wish, I'm not sure I'd wish for a baby anymore. I don't know what I would wish for but I really don't think that would be it.


So its Easter weekend and we're getting together with my family. Now that I've been blogging for over a year its interesting to look back and see where I was a year ago. I'm in such a different place now. Last Easter I was bitter and angry towards my SIL because she was expecting my niece. Now while I still don't enjoy family get togethers, I don't hate them either. I'm just rather indifferent towards them.



We've been going to church services this week for Holy Week. I've been thinking a lot about the meaning of Easter and how important it is if your a Christian. Many people only go to church on Easter and Christmas but I really feel those people are missing something. Our pastor gave a very interesting sermon about how Easter and Christmas are not the most meaningful or miraculous days in the church year. On Christmas our Savior was born but what's the big deal really? Babies are born everyday and then He was just another baby, its the most natural thing in the world. The real miracle was the incarnation, where Jesus left His throne in heaven and came down and became one of us in Mary's womb. That is the miracle of Christmas, not that a baby was born. Easter is much the same way. The real miracle is Good Friday, not Easter Sunday. On Easter Jesus rose from the dead. Is that a miracle? Lazarus was raised from the dead too. That's a miracle but we don't celebrate the day Lazarus rose. The real miracle of Easter is that Jesus willingly died for us. He could have stopped the whole thing any time.....but He didn't. He knew He had to do it because He loves us so much. There would be no Easter without Good Friday. I can't put it as eloquently as our pastor did but it really makes you think.

Meet Ellie

Welcome Ellie, a new addition to our little family. I resisted for a long time but finally caved in a brought her home. Missy is slowly warming up to the idea of sharing her home with a new little pup. We've only had her for a few days but she is very good so far. I'm sure the naughty will come soon.

7 Years Ago Today

*sorry I don't know why blogger won't let me make paragraphs today.... Today is our 7 year wedding anniversary. I keep thinking about how 7 is supposedly a complete and holy number. I don't feel complete. But our family of two is as complete as it was 7 years ago. I can't believe what we've been through the past seven years. I never would have imagined on my wedding day that this is where I'd be in 7 years. But here I am, beyond my control. Still happily married so I guess I can be thankful for that. Last night DH opened up to me, which is a rare occurance since he's a guy and totally not into sharing his feelings. He expressed many of the same things I feel, like just not being happy because there is no future for us without a family. Things seem to have no purpose when you have no family to provide for, nothing real and meaninful to look forward to, no responsibilities except to yourself. The future begins to look like one dreary day after the next. It broke my heart to hear DH talk like that. Sure I think those things all the time but to hear him actually say it sounded so depressing. I'm sorry that I can't make DH's dreams come true and that he feels like his life will always be missing something. It hurts to always be left out as we prepare for our last childless couple friends to soon announce that they are expecting. Who will we be friends with then? Who will we hang out with then besides my parents? It seems that all our friendships are temporary because we know that someday everyone will move on to parenthood without us and even though we will still be friends on some level, we just can't relate when we're in such different places. This was made very clear to me last week when we went out to dinner with my brother and SIL and our friends. Us girls were talking and all my SIL talked about was the kids. Of course because that's all people with kids do. But then my friend without kids went on about how when she has kids and proceeded to discuss all her dreams of parenthood with my SIL. I almost cried when I realized I couldn't participate in the conversation. I had nothing of value to add, I have no dreams for a family. Then they started talking about this other friend who is having twins. And my childless friend said how she would love to have twins. And I almost cried again because that used to be my dream. And I'm so envious of my friend and my SIL because one still has all her dreams in front of her to look forward too and my SIL has all her dreams coming true. Then I realized this will always be my lot in life. I will always be the outsider. Even when I'm old and gray, I'll be having coffee with my old lady friends and they will discuss their kids and grandkids and I will sit there unable to participate in the conversation. They will talk about their dreams for their grandkids when they grow up and I will have nothing to add of my own. Also this week another of my infertile blogger friends miraculously and naturally got pregnant. I'm thrilled for her as she has put her time in and is another example of God's faithfulness, I just can't help but feel sorry for myself. Once again there is someone who wasn't suppose to get pregnant and did. I hear that story all the time. Everyone knows someone like that. But that story will never be told about me. It seems there are never stories about people who weren't suppose to get pregnant and never did. But that is my fate. That will be my story. There are no miracles in my future. I can't even picture myself as a mother anymore. When I'm around my niece and nephew I have no desire to be with them, no desire to play with them, I don't think they are cute, I don't want to hold and cuddle them, I don't want to make them laugh or smile......I just don't care. My mothering instinct is lost, buried or dead. Its okay though, its easier that way. I know this sounds depressing but I'm really not that unhappy with my life. When I think about the future maybe it is a bit sad and lonely but I don't think about the future much. I wake up and do the job God gave me to do today. Be a wife, be a daughter, be an employee and do the best I can at each of them. Despite our lack of family DH and I are still happy together. Its been the two of us for 7 years and will likely just be the two of us for the next 70 years but there is no reason we can't be happy. We love each other and we love God and that's enough for today. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow.

How Strange

Today I was at work in my little post office and this older lady comes in and was going on about stories from her childhood for 45 minutes. I grew up in this little town and I've always known this little old lady from church. She is very outspoken about her faith and her relationship with Jesus. Her life seems to center around Him. So after she went on for almost an hour and I smiled and nodded a lot she says "Oh your so sweet, I just know the Lord has something really special for you, I just know it." Just the way she said it, left me feeling rather uncomfortable, I mean what do you say to that? Then before she finally left she repeated it again and said "I'll let you know when I figure it out". My first thought was thank the Lord, He finally sent me a messenger. Then I realized she is just a batty old lady, she may be sweet but I seriously doubt that she has any insight into what my future holds. But the whole conversation still has me feeling uneasy. Of course I assume if what she said has any truth to it, it would have to be related to my infertility. Although she's never said I do believe she is aware of it because I'm rather certain that my gossiping grandmother has told everyone in town, especially since DH and I are celebrating 7 years of marriage this month and the "when are you having children" questions have stopped from most people in town. Or people think its safe to assume if we wanted or were able to have kids we would have by now. But then I thought well, why do I assume if God has something special in store for me that it would be related to my infertility? God could have a plan for something special in my life that has nothing to do with babies. And then I sadly and selfishly thought, oh well it can't be that special then. I can't imagine how childish and hurtful I must be to God. I pretty much feel like if I can't have the gift I want, when I want it then He can just keep whatever He has in store for me. I feel guilty just typing that. Brutal honestly is harder to take in when its staring back at me from the computer. But it is what it is. I'm still trying to deal with everything that goes along with another failure and pretending not to feel the way I do isn't going to help.

Hope's Not Giving Up

Okay so as hard as I've tried, I have to confess that I just can't give up hope. Believe me I've been trying. I don't want to have hope, it only makes the disappointment worse. But as silly as it seems there is still something in me that tells me someday we will have our miracle baby. Darn it hope, get out of my head! I want to be done with this and I want to put all our infertility struggles, dreams, disappointments, hopes, fears, and tears behind me and move on. Why can't I get that little voice out of my head that keeps saying, "maybe someday we'll be one of those stories of a couple that gets pregnant on their own after everything else failed." Ugh, I wish I didn't think like that. It is those kind of thoughts that will keep me forever tied to my dreams. I tried to walk away but it seems I'm still dragging those stupid dreams along behind me, trying to pretend they are not there. On a side note, DH is trying to find a new goat for our farm. So on the desk he has a piece of paper with some notes written on it about a goat we are thinking of buying. The goat's mother was named "Miracles". But on this piece of paper DH has the goats name and written next to it "out of miracles". Now DH meant it as in this goat was born out of a goat named miracles, but everytime I sit down at the desk and see it I think, "Yep, 'out of miracles', that describes why God won't give me a baby, especially since He just gave twins to a friend of mine." I almost feel like I'm trying too hard to be negative about this, its just not in my nature but the whole positive thinking thing hasn't worked out for me so far so I might as well try something different. But I'm starting to realize that my faith and my relationship with God won't allow for me to continue with the negativity. While I'm certain we are done with fertility treatments, I can't deny that I will always be hoping that God isn't quite out of miracles yet. Which is pretty much where I have been the past two years. Not much has been changed by this failed IVF after all except that the door to fertility treatments is firmly shut. I'm not sure what will happen with this blog since I don't have much to say or anything new in the way of infertility anymore. I could blog about my weight loss attempts but even I get sick of pretending I'm really going to lose weight only to give it up after a few weeks. You can read my other blog if your interested in our farm, garden, canning and cheese making attempts. I'm terrible at keeping it updated but hoping to make a real effort this summer. I keep them separate because friends and family read that blog, while this one is strictly private, to be shared only with my fellow anonymous infertiles. I don't know what's with blogger making the post all one paragraph, I tried but oh well. Sorry if its hard to read.

Ugh, really? again?

I found out today that another family friend is pregnant. I'm okay with that, I'm used to it by now and accepted it but here's the part that stings a little......she's pregnant with twin girls. DH and I have always dreamed of twin girls. Normally I'd be pretty hurt by this but its really this kind of thing that I've come to expect from my life. Its like being kicked when your down, like God is mocking me saying "hahaha, look at that! I gave someone else your heart's desire...again! Isn't it funny?! That oughta teach you". Now I know God is not like that, He is a loving God. I'm not saying He isn't doing this to me on purpose but its probably to teach me something or make me a better person, build character....you know some crap like that. But I'm just not in the mood for self improvement, I just don't even want to think about those things lately.

Moving Ahead

Well here I am a week after our failed IVF. Thank you all for your comments and support. I'm amazed at how much complete strangers can change things. I often wonder where DH and I would be in our infertility journey now if we didn't have access to the support and information available online.

AF has come and gone and I'm so relieved to have my body back under my own control and not the meds. I have not been a good wife to DH the past month and I'm ready to get back to normal. Really, my life is no different now than it was 3 months ago. I'm not really depressed but I don't have the same excitement for the future. I know what tomorrow will bring....same thing as yesterday. But that's okay, DH and I have a pretty good life together and a lot to be thankful for. I haven't blogged this past week because I just don't know what to say. Honestly I'm just not dwelling on our infertility enough to have anything to share about it. I'm not doing any soul searching, I'm not questioning God trying to figure out why I can't have a baby, I'm not asking my RE questions to figure out why this didn't work and where we go next. I'm not asking any questions at all because I already know there are no answers. I have no soul searching to do because it just seems like too much work that will only lead to confusion and heartache. I'm not questioning God because I know He will not give me any answers and I'm not questioning our RE because that door is firmly shut. After our first IVF almost worked, he told us our m/c was just a coincidence and with our situation we would most likely be successful with a second attempt. Well, he was wrong but at least now I can stop putting my hopes and dreams into IVF. No more wondering what would happen if we tried it one more time. I don't think I will ever set foot back into my RE's office. If I do, they should stamp me "hopeless case" and throw me out. Besides the fact that more IVF attempts would just be a huge waste of money, I'm starting to feel bad about creating life only to see it lost. We've sent 8 embies to heaven now and I feel responsible for that. True, they are much better off there than on this miserable planet but I still feel like maybe its time for me to leave the life creating up to the Creator Himself.

My head and my heart are conflicting lately. While I know God is faithful and loves me and has a plan, I just don't feel that way. What I believe and what I feel are opposite. I feel like God has forgotten me, not that He hates me or doesn't love me but just that He has forgotten and can't hear me. But in all honestly I don't do a lot of talking to Him anymore so I'm not surprised if He forgot about me. I believe He loves me, wants the best for me and knows the number of hairs on my head. I just don't feel that way. I also believe that He can and does do miracles, people who are told they will never have babies miraculously get pregnant all the time. But while I believe He can do a miracle like that for me, I don't believe He will. Sure miracles happen.....just not to me. I don't think that DH and I will ever have a family anymore. I always felt in my heart that we would but now I don't. But I think that's okay. DH and I are so comfortable in our selfish little world that I don't think we'd be good parents anyway.

As much as I have wanted to be stubborn and rebel and be angry against God, I just can't do it. I know the truth of who and what He is. I might be feeling hurt and disappointed but I can't ignore that He exists or that He is active in my life, just because He doesn't give me what I want. But I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I don't know what His plan is for me but if He wants me to do something He's going to have to make in painfully obvious because until I'm told otherwise I'm going to just keep waking up in the morning, going to work, and taking care of my DH. If I get to heaven someday and he says, "well Jen I'm disappointed, I had a plan for you to be/do something great but you wouldn't listen", all I can say is "yep, I'm disappointed too". But it is what it is. I feel so old, like my baby and family years have passed me by already. I'm not sure I even want a miraculous pregnancy when I'm 45, much less 100 like in the bible. I'm not even sure I want one when I'm 35.

I know this isn't a real positive post and I'm not exactly finding the joy in the storm. But I'm really not in a bad place about this. Yes, I'm disappointed but I'm putting my big girl panties on and moving on with my life. My life is no different than it was before, except I left my shattered dream of being a mommy behind and I'm still looking for a dream to replace it.

Beta In

It's negative. Just like I thought. I wish I could go back in time and make better decisions. The only thing I ever wanted to do was be a mommy. Now its pretty clear that its impossible. DH and I just can't make babies. All hope is gone. I always pick up the pieces and keep going. This time I'm not picking up the pieces, I'm just going to turn my back and walk away from our shattered dreams. But where am I headed now? What does my future look like without a family? What does God want me to do with my life since He won't let me be a mommy? I really hope the extent of His plan for me is not just selling stamps at the post office. I mean really, my life has got to have more purpose than that. I just have no idea what it is.

Beta Tomorrow

I'm getting up early tomorrow to get my beta drawn before work. I haven't peed on any more sticks but I still feel a negative coming. Right after the transfer I *felt* pregnant for a while. Like I just knew my little ones were in there and I felt a connection to them. That only lasted about a week. Now I don't feel pregnant at all. The hot flashes are not as bad but I am completely exhausted, not sleepy tired but just bodily tired. Besides making me so tired the PIO is becoming literally a pain in the ass. I'm getting the same itchy red bumps as I did last time. And it doesn't look good to be walking around scratching your butt all the time! Although I have no bruises this time thanks to my expert shot giver. I still have a tiny bit of hope, where it came from I don't know but I have a tiny bit of hope that my beta might be positive. But I'm afraid of low numbers and slow doubling rates like last time. I'd rather take a negative than have another miscarriage. There is no way I'll have a high number or else I would have gotten a positive HPT earlier this week. I have a long day at work tomorrow, I'm hoping if I'm mentally prepared for a negative I will be able to keep it together and not break down in tears until I get home.

BFN Again

I'm accepting my fate, no more POAS. I'm done. We're done.....with everything. DH and I are not meant to make babies, it just can not be done. Now I just wish Friday would hurry up and get here so I can get my beta results and stop the PIO and Vivelle patches. I told DH last night this cycle was a BFN. I just couldn't keep it from him, I needed him to be there for me. This is such a huge disappointment.

9dp3dt

Well I POAS this morning and after a very vivid dream where I clearly got a positive, I woke up to a very negative stark white test. I'm really devasted b/c I got my BFP on this day last time. I really thought this IVF was going to work for us. I know its early and things could still turn around but I'm just not feeling too good about it right now. I'm still having occasional killer cramps and the last two days have added in such hot flashes that I can not even sleep well at night because I keep waking up sweaty. Looks like I can thank the PIO and AF for that. I only have one more FRER test and an expired test left. I think I will use the expired one tomorrow just to satisfy my urge to pee on something and save the good one for Wednesday. If its not positive on Wednesday I think its safe to say this cycle was a huge failure and not pee on anymore sticks. Please say your prayers for us. If this turns out to be a BFN we're giving up on TTC. We've spent more money than we should and we are starting to feel like we just can't make babies no matter what we do. Its a really hard thing to get used to.

2ww Panic

Today I'm having my first wave of what I call the two week wait panic. What if this doesn't work?! So far I have been feeling really good physically and emotionally. Today not only I'm starting to worry this didn't work but the progesterone is catching up with me as well. I'm completely exhausted. The PIO is going suprisingly well. No sore bum, no bruises, no itchy rash.

I had some really sharp cramping a couple days earlier this week but now its back to just the usual pre-AF cramping. Nothing really different or special going on. Its a little discouraging and makes me feel like this cycle will end up like all the others before it. I know that doesn't mean anything and there is no way to know until I test. I was going to POAS Monday but the closer it gets the more afraid I get and I just might chicken out. My biggest concern though is how I will tell DH if its negative. He was perfectly happy to just move on and avoid revisting the hurt of a failed IVF. He only went along with this because he knew how much I wanted to do it. What was I thinking? I could have been happy continuing on with the way things were so that we could avoid another $10k worth of disappointment. But I'm talking myself into being negative. I need to stop and go back to thinking about this working. I need to go back to mentally planning my nursery and my life with babies. Being negative now will not do any good.

No Frosties :'(

I'm bummed but not surprised. From the beginning I have been trusting God to give us the right number of embryos and to take care of them according to His will. I guess this is it. No frosties for us, no second try if this cycle doesn't work out, done, over, that's it. I feel bad for the embies we lost. We've sent 6 little embies to heaven now and I'm praying these other two stick around in my belly for the next 9 months. Realistically I know that there could be a whole huge mess of disappointment in my near future. But I'm so positive about this cycle. I really think its going to work out for us. I've been really happy lately, even if these embies don't stick around I'm their mommy for now. They are tucked away nice and warm and loved and I have to cherish that right now. Last time it was all about waiting to see those two pink lines, this time I'm holding onto the joy of embies growing inside me as long as I can. This may be as close as I ever get to having our own babies. As the message board lingo goes, I'm PUPO -- Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. And that's how I'm gonna live the next two weeks.

Its Finally Over!

Embryo transfer complete. The stress of drugs and appointments is over. Now I just sit back, relax and get knocked up. I pray its that easy. Today we did a day 3 transfer of an 8A (perfect!) and an 8B (still pretty good!). Last time we transfered on day 3 an 8B and 6B, so we're doing better than last time and look how close we came last time. My RE wasn't there but I liked his fill in RE too. He assured us that our blighted ovum was likely a random event and our chances are not increased this time. I'm feeling very hopeful for this. Afterwards I said to DH, "oh crap, what if we really have a baby this time?!" It has become so much about the process that I seldom even consider the end goal. A take home baby...wow...I still can't imagine that would actually happen to us. I've seen so many of my online friends move on to pregnancy and babies after infertility that I really feel like I'm the last one left and my time will never come. So if this is it, I'm sorry for my readers who feel left behind, I totally know the feeling. If this isn't it.....well that's just going to really suck! We are watching our remaining 3 embies for freeze. I doubt they will make it but I'm hoping. They were 6B, 6C and 4C.

I went to acupuncture last night and again after the transfer this morning. She only did 4 points today, one on each hand and one on each leg. That doesn't seem like much. I know its not necessarily the more the needles the better and I totally trust her but only four? Well what do I know? I'm suppose to be on bedrest today and tomorrow. I've been on the couch all afternoon but tonight we have to babysit my niece and nephew for a few hours. I don't think that counts as bed rest but I plan on taking it easy and making DH do all the work. Tomorrow I should be able to chill at home all day.

Beta is scheduled for March 18. That's 14dp3dt or 17dpo. I'm not suppose to cheat and take a test at home. Yeah right! If they are going to make me wait that long I'm totally gonna cheat. I'll be POAS by 9dp3dt for sure! Please pray for our two little embies, that they are snuggling in tight for the next nine months!

Fertilization Report

I'm a little bummed about it. Out of our 13 eggs we have 5 embryos currently growing. 2 eggs were immature, 3 didn't fertilize normally, and 3 had no genetic material in them. What the heck does that mean? Did I just make that many bad eggs? So now I'm feeling like this will never work and like DH and I just can't mix our DNA to make babies. But then I remember that I prayed for just the right number of embryos and maybe this is it. Maybe this is just my prayers being answered and I have to have faith. This is to be my new motto, "You just have to have faith".

I'm two years older and wiser than when we did our first IVF and I can't get over how dumb we were. We limited fertilization to 4 eggs and ended up with 3 embryos, one of which was dying by our 3 day transfer. An impending sign of what the other two would soon do also. I can't believe we risked so much money and emotional havoc on 3 little embryos. I guess maybe we had faith that God would give us our babies on the first try. Now I'm afraid our 5 little embies this time share the same fate. But I can't think like that, I have to be positive. People with issues far worse than ours still have babies. This whole cycle I've been too busy with work and life to really think about what we're doing. When I have thought about it I don't know what to think so I just go back to not thinking about it. But I'm a little freaked out now, thinking what if we didn't think and pray about it long enough, what if we rushed this decision and wasted a ton of money? We are paying for all of this out of pocket and its going to make things tight for a while til we get our bank account built back up again. I'm so scared this won't work. I'm suddenly remembering last time and how painful miscarriage after IVF was both emotionally and physically. I swore I would never put myself through it again but here I am. How the heck did I get here again? What was I thinking? There was one monitoring appointment where I practically starting bawling and told them to forget it, I wanted to quit. I had that same feeling on the way to the retrieval yesterday. Then I tell myself to put on my big girl panties and do what I gotta do. While I'm still not feeling positive I've got little embies growing and they need me to give them a chance at life. I want to finish this now, no matter how it turns out. Whether right or wrong the decision has been made and I have to follow through. There is nothing we are facing this time that we didn't already survive once so I'm sure it will all work out. I just have to have faith. We came so close last time with only 3 embryos, maybe we'll get our take home baby this time, maybe just maybe this will be it.

They scheduled me for a 3 day transfer since we have only a few embryos. I'm going to acupuncture Friday night and again after my transfer Saturday. I don't know if it does much good but it seemed to help last time. Maybe it will at least make me feel better since my retrieval yesterday. I'm no wimp when it comes to pain but I could hardly walk yesterday. Still a lot of discomfort today but at least I can move around and I went to work.

I just have to have faith, I just have to have faith.......

Egg Retrieval Done!

We got 13 eggs and I think that's a good number. Not too many, not to few. Here is the awesome news, DH's morph was 4% today! He's never been above 2% before so I feel so much more hopeful about our embryos doing well this time. I feel more crampy and uncomfortable today than last time but I think that's expected since we got more eggs. I've been having a lot of mixed feelings about this cycle but right now I'm feeling pretty positive and hopeful. Now we wait for the fertilization report tomorrow!

Almost There

I'm so ready to have this over with. I'm not stimming as fast as they thought I would which is pushing everything back and making my work schedule a pain. I feel bad because I go to all the trouble to find someone to work and then I say oh nevermind, I don't need that day off after all. People are seriously getting annoyed with me not making up my mind. Now my ER is set for Wednesday, for real this time because I don't have to go back for any more monitoring. But now tomorrow I need to call and annoy everyone again by asking for Wednesday off. But oh well, its almost over. I do stims tonight and tomorrow morning then my trigger tomorrow night. It looks like I'm going to have about 9 mature follicles, some other small ones but they probably won't be mature. Here are my sizes for this morning: 18,17,17,16,16,15,15, 14, 13,12,8. The 13 should make it, the 12 probably not and then 8 definitely not. I was worried about the number of embryos we'd have but so far it looks like God is working it out just right, why was I worried in the first place? Of course He would take care of it!

My ET is going to be pushed into the week my sub is gone. If we do a 5 day it will be a week from tomorrow. The RE said we have to do a 3 day then so I get my two days bedrest but I think I will just pretend and go for the 5 day anyway. I seriously sit and read my book most days anyway, its hardly more work than sitting at home on my computer or the couch all day. If I can just get next monday off then tuesday I'll go back to work and just take it easy. I'll wait and see what our fert report looks like and if we have some good embryos to make it til 5 day. I'm so sick of work, if I didn't need the money to pay for all this I'd just quit. Work gets in the way of life, doesn't it? I feel like I'm not really living and enjoying life anymore, just a slave to the clock at work. No wonder there are so many unhappy people out there. I feel like all the stress of trying to work my schedule around this IVF is bad for our cycle. I'm trying to relax but its hard when I just can't plan my days off. But it is set for Wednesday now, they can't change that once I trigger.

DH may end up telling my parents what we are doing, he says they are starting to act suspicious so I said if they press him for more info when we go for ER this week to just tell them what's going on. But I really hope they just mind their own business. I've not had a lot of side effects and only some mild discomfort from the growing follies. The injections are going well too. The only major bruising I have is from that one shot that went terribly wrong. DH is practically a pro at this now! I still haven't caught that nasty cold/flu bug that's going around but I can feel that my body is stressed. Today I'm taking a nap and watching some tv. Yep, I'm going to be a bum today!

I'm so ready, Wednesday can't come fast enough!

Monitoring Tomorrow

Still no winner to my giveaway, maybe I made the questions too hard?

I'm on day 5 of stims today. I thought I'd be feeling a lot worse by now so I'm not really sure what to expect at my first monitoring appt. tomorrow. I'm hoping I'm ready to trigger because I'm so ready to be done with this but I just don't know what to expect. The bloating and fullness feeling definitely hit me last night. I guess that could be a good sign that I'm getting close to ready. My whole family has been really sick lately with a bad cold/cough. They think its influenza A but no one has been checked out for sure. Yesterday and today I had a touch of sore throat which is always the first sign. Please not now, I really can not afford to get sick right now. I'm drinking my tea, eating healthy, trying to get rest and acupuncture tomorrow will hopefully help. But how am I suppose to grow healthy eggs and fight off this nasty bug at the same time? I am going to the gym today, just for a half hour on the elliptical. They say that's good for your immune system and even though I'm on stims I think its okay to still use the elliptical as long as I take it easy. I did last IVF and I was fine. It might help with the bloating and fact that my pants are getting tight. And the fact that my jeans are digging into my terribly bruised belly does not make me feel good at all. I was doing so well with these shots and hardly had any bruises until two nights ago. I don't know what went wrong but it hurt much worse than normal, then left a knot followed by a huge bruise the next day. I have a couple other tiny bruises but if it weren't for that one nasty one I'd be doing pretty well. Last time I stimmed for 9 days, this time she thinks I'll be ready after 7 so I'm hoping to trigger Saturday night.

For those of you who like details, here's how its gone so far.
1.) Two weeks of BCPs starting on day 3 of my period (Feb. 1-14)
2.) Baseline appt. three days after last pill, no period yet, about 16 antral follies (Feb. 17)
3.) Two days later, start microdose diluted lupron, 5 units twice a day, period starts (Feb. 19)
4.) Start stims 2 vials Bravelle morning and night, continue lupron, 4 shots a day for two days (Feb 20-21)
5.) Change to 1 Bravelle and 1 Menopur morning and night, continue lupron, still taking 4 shots a day, period ends (Feb. 23)
6.) Day 5 of stims, starting to see side effects such as bloating and irritability
7.) First monitoring appt. day 6 of stims (Feb. 25)

100th Post Giveaway!

Okay folks, here is post #100 and the promised giveaway. I'm not rich so no fancy prizes here but I will give you a choice of two very good books. The first is the infertility companion, written by two Christian doctors. It is said to be medically reliable and biblically sound. I read it a while ago but it was very good back when I had all those questions that needed answers.


The second choice is for those who already read that one or are not fertility challenged. It is called Passion For The Heart of God and is about the Great Commission. Whether that means missionaries in other countries or your neighbors right at home. Its a very good read about reaching all the peoples of the world and really opened my eyes to why God does some of the things the way He does.

Now....you didn't think there wouldn't be a test did you? So the first one to email me with the correct answers to these questions will win the book of their choice, mailed to them free of charge. Hint, all questions were blogged about at some point in the last 100 posts.

1. What are the names of my two goats?

2. Who is my all time most favorite Christian band (went to their concert)?

3. Where do I work?

4. What did God use to finally get me over my negative feelings toward my SIL?

5. Is there anything that you specifically enjoy reading in my blog or has anything I've written really touched your heart?

Good luck, I'll post an update when we have a winner!

Dreaming

In the storm of infertility there is so much bad news, hurt, despair, and hopelessness. But every once and while some joy and hope will peak through the clouds like a tiny ray of sunshine bringing warmth. Now that I've pretty much got things worked out with my schedule I'm feeling less stressed. And I'm imagining that this might work. I start to think that I shouldn't get my hopes up it will only suck more when they are crushed but I don't want to be that way. I want to enjoy this time, this time of joy and hopefulness. I've been day dreaming about my belly growing, telling our parents we're pregnant, decorating a nursery, how our lives will be different with a baby around, holding that baby in my arms, our family growing. How happy everyone will be for us. Last time we did IVF and got pg we never really rejoiced in it. It seemed unreal. So this time I'm attempting to not try to control everything but to also be happy about every moment I can. Right now I'm in the stage of this process where its easy to dream and think happy thoughts about how this will turn out. Sure I know I may come crashing down from this happy high but I want to enjoy it as long as I can. I must also confess that in my state of daydreaming, I looked up when my due date would be if my ER is Feb. 28. Normally I would hate myself for being so weak and giving in to such a silly notion but just this once I want to pretend I'm a normal woman about to conceive and start a family.

So far we have managed to keep this a secret from everyone. Last week when DH went to the RE with me to provide his frozen sample, my family asked a lot of questions. He said he had a doctor's appointment. So of course everyone assumed it was the RE and wanted to know how his tests turned out. He just said same as always nothing's really different. So hopefully they will let it rest now. But I'm not sure what will happen when we have ER. If DH doesn't have to work that morning we can sneak away without anyone knowing or if its on Sunday I'll just say we didn't go to church because I have the flu. The ET won't be a problem since my parents will be away that weekend. They are the hardest to keep the secret from since we see them everyday and DH works for them. We have not told anyone IRL what's going on this time or that we are even actively trying to conceive anymore. I'd like to keep it that way. Last time everyone knew and wanted to know how IVF turned out so we told them, then two weeks later had to tell them there was no baby after all. I prefer to grieve privately, not have all our friends and family know our business. Especially since those fertiles don't really get it.

Lupron started today and tomorrow the real stims start. I'm having some spotting today, I'm not expecting much of a period and the nurse said not to worry if I don't even get anything at all. I'm feeling much less stress and more excited. Its easier knowing what to expect this time around. DH is excited too and positive this is going to work this time. My head says lets be realistic but my heart says let's dream and be positive! There will be plenty of time for grief later if this doesn't work, why waste the time now when I can choose to be happy instead. Besides, it will be devasting if it doesn't work regardless of how happy I am about it now so I might as well be as happy as I can be.

By the way this is post #99, the next one is going to be a give away! The winner will be determined by the first person to comment with the correct answers to some sort of trivia quiz.

Baseline

Today I had my baseline and some questions answered. The u/s lady only counted 3 antral follicles on my left and 13 on my right. I guess 16 is a good number although what's up with my left side? I hardly had any there last IUI either. I think my left side is pretty lazy. I didn't talk to my RE since he was out this morning but already had the plan written up. I'm just going to give up control and we get what we get. Since I didn't have a huge antral follicle count I'm not too worried about getting more than 10-15 mature eggs. And we will likely fertilize them all but Nurse J said we could wait and talk to the embryologist after the ER and then decide what we want to do. We decided to wait until Sunday to start stims so that I can avoid a possible appointment on Saturday when I can't get out of work. Now my first monitoring appt. will be next Friday and she thinks I'll be pretty close to ready by then. I might have to go back Sunday but she thinks we'll trigger Saturday for a Monday ER. Now I still need to find a way to get someone to work for me that Monday. ET is taken care of now matter what day it falls on. Wow, I guess when I write it all out, it makes me feel better. If I can just get someone lined up for Monday the 28th just in case. I can always cancel and go to work myself if it doesn't end up to be on that day. I feel a little better now. I'm going to acupuncture on Monday. Its a holiday so I have the whole day off and while I hate to drive the 45 min. to SF just for the acupuncture appointment, I know that I really need the stress relief. Working full time and doing IVF just does not work out. I told Nurse J today that if she could just guarantee me that this was going to work, I'd quit my stupid job right now so that it wouldn't get in the way.

But I need to keep my job because holy crap does this cost a lot of money!! We had to pay for the IVF itself which was $10,118 up front, then my meds were $1450 and that's not even all of them! I'll have at least another $500 yet. And besides all that we have another $2,000 bill coming for my HSG and IUI last month. If we are spending all this money for nothing again, its going to be a sad sad day for us. But the good news is my insurance deductible is pretty much met now so anything not related to IVF will be covered.

Everything is going to work out just fine. Its in God's hands and I trust Him. I just need to relax.

I Need To Relax

I'm a planner, I like to be on a schedule where everything is predictable and controlled. I'm starting to freak out about this IVF. ER is likely a Sunday or Monday so I wanted to take Monday off just so I didn't have to worry about it. Then ET would be Friday or Saturday. I wanted to take Friday off so I could relax, I still have to work 2 hours Saturday but have someone on standby just in case ET was that day. But today my one and only sub informed me that she can't work Monday or Friday that week. Well that's just great. Now I have to wait and see what day I will need off for sure, then at the last minute beg and plead with someone who has no idea how to run my office, while being indiscreet about why I can't just reschedule my "appointment" for another day that my sub can come. My RE is so not flexible, everything has to be on their schedule.

But the stress doesn't end there. I begin to worry about how many eggs should we go for? Should we limit fertilization again? Should we freeze eggs? Should I just trust my RE to do what he does best? What if I get OHSS? What if we freeze 10 embryos and end up pg with twins? We will not abandon our embryos but we do not want 10 kids. What if we fertilize 10-15 embryos and none of them survive til day 5 transfer? What if none of them survive to freeze? What if we have to cancel because I can't get out of work? What if we spend all this money and end up with nothing again? What if we have another miscarriage? What if we have a baby that isn't healthy? What if we have twins that don't make it to term? What if we have twins that die from preterm or complications shortly after birth? Or DH's worst fear...what if I give birth to a healthy baby but then die from a blood clot a week later like our otherwise healthy neighbor girl/friend did? What if everything goes perfectly and we end up with a take home baby and I can't handle being a mommy?

What if I just stopped worrying about all these things and trusted God to control everything?

Isn't worry a lack of faith? I just need to relax and put this in his hands. That's what I said I was going to do but that's not what I'm doing. I'm freaking myself out when I should be relaxing and preparing my body to accept life. This is so hard. I just need to take it one day at a time. Tomorrow is my baseline. That's all I need to think about right now. Everything will be okay, God will take care of everything according to his plan.

Blogger Awards

Thanks to Mrs. Unexpected for the stylish blogger award!! My very first! Here are the rules.....

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers.

4. Contact the bloggers and tell them about the award.

Seven (random) things about me.....

1. If I had the space and money I would totally run a German Shorthaired Pointer Rescue.

2. My dream in life is to have our own little acreage to grow and raise our own food, be a stay at home mommy and eventually homeschool our children.

3. I wear the same old comfy hoodie around the house practically every day, whenever I get home from work I immediately put it on, even in the summer.

4. If I could only eat one thing for the rest of my life, it would be chocolate chip cookie dough.

5. Besides the RE, I never go the doctor, never had any broken bones, stitches, cavities or needed glasses (except now I think I might).

6. I am a planner and practically have a nervous breakdown when DH throws me off my schedule and makes us late for stuff.

7. My parents are our best "couple" friends.

I'm giving this award to......

1.) Lori at Reflections of Something

2.) Jenn at Baby Magnesi

3.) Mrs. Hammer at ....Expect Miracles.....

4.) Hillary at Making Me Mom

5.) Michelle at In Pursuit of Parenthood
6.) Heather at Reach In, Reach Out, Reach Up
7.) The Coach's Wife at The Gameplan: How To Make A Baby
8.) Marion at Keeping My Eyes on Jesus
9.) Ashley at On the Lanai
10.) Sas at Can I Walk With You
11.) NLY at Suspended In God's Grace
12.) J at A Long Road Ahead
13.) Shocks at Infertility Sucks
14.) Jay at The 2 Week Wait
15.) Megan at Bottoms On and On a Break

And now an update.....

Its well over two weeks since I posted. I just haven't felt up to it. I'm still saddened by losing Katie but time is healing. My parents found a new puppy already and he is super sweet and loveable. But he doesn't replace Katie and I still find myself missing her. Missy still doesn't seem depressed and is making friends with the new puppy quickly. To CDJ, who left a comment on my last post.....I have thought about the new heaven and earth thing and how I could see my dog again. It also occured to me that if God loves us and our pets make us happy why couldn't He let us have them in heaven. But then I think about how in heaven earthly things won't matter and we will all be so happy to be with Jesus and praise Him with the angels, who's going to care about a dog they had on earth? I guess I'll just have to wait and see when I get there.

I'm also feeling really sick of working all the time. The days get so long and boring. DH and I were discussing the differences between farming and working a "town job". I've grown up around farming and it goes back in many generations, its in my blood. With farming you are a slave to your work and you can't just go home and forget about it but there is some flexibility in schedule. I am tied to the clock with very little work to do. Its just not the way I was raised and I'm finding I don't like it. Its not exactly my job that I hate, if I have to have a full time job I'd def want this one. But I don't want a full time job, I want to stay home and raise my children. For a long time I used that as an excuse thinking "well I'll quit this job when I get pregnant." The past couple years I gave that way of thinking up. Now I'm back to thinking that way. Praying I get pregnant so I have a legitimate excuse to quit working full time. Of course that's not the only reason but I think about it a lot lately.

IVF #2 is well on its way. I want to do it but I'm not feeling any excitement like the first time. I just want it to be over and me to have a little baby in my arms. I'm not as innocently hopeful about a take home baby this time. In fact, I have serious anxiety over it resulting the same as last time. But I also feel like this might be it for us, like this time we will get our take home baby. I have a lot of mixed feelings. I'm stressed about getting the necessary time off work, how DH is going to get away from his boss (my dad) without explaining why and how I will not have enough time for as much acupuncture this time. When I asked DH he said to stop worrying because no matter what I do or don't do its only going to work if God decides its our time.

So here's the details. We are doing the lupron microflare protocol, which I'm unsure about since I'm a good responder. I have some worries about OHSS but trying to trust my RE knows what he's doing. I took BCPs for two weeks. I take nothing Tues and Weds this week. Thursday I start Lupron and have my baseline. Saturday I start stims. Not sure when my monitoring will be but tentative ER is Feb. 28 with hopefully a 5 day transfer.

Our insurance deductible is not met yet this year so we are paying all meds out of pocket and of course IVF is out of pocket too. Last time we got a loan, this time we are blessed enough to pay it all up front and forget about it. We decided not to go with ARC's one cycle plus plan. We figure in our specific case its cheaper to just pay for the services we recieve instead of paying a set amount. Our last IVF we got refunded $2000 for services we didn't use. It was a painful reminder last time paying on a loan for a baby we lost. This time we can forget about the $10k+ regardless of outcome.

That's all for now, I hope to be a more active blogger as this IVF continues. And CDJ.....I don't mind stalkers, its okay.....really.

Saying Goodbye

Death is so hard to understand. I feel somewhat more peace about people deaths because I know that Jesus is waiting to take them to heaven where I'll see them again someday. But dogs are different. Dust into dust and that's it. I don't believe in animal heaven since animals don't have souls in the spiritual sense. But God did definitely create animals with amazing abilities and personalities that many people seem to lack. Dog is man's best friend for a reason. Saying goodbye to Katie and understanding why this happened is so hard. Last weekend after crying all day and praying for a miracle she actually started doing better. In fact Tuesday night we went to see her and took Missy along. She didn't look good but they said she was starting to eat and recovering slowly but right on track for her situation. But then her internal organs started to fail and last night my parents put her to sleep. We went to say goodbye this morning and we'll bury her when the ground thaws enough. It almost seems it would be easier to understand if she had been sick or ran over. But to die because she ate strange things and we can't understand why. And why did God make her better for a few days and give us hope just to have her die anyway? I'm not really trying to understand it because if there is anything infertility has taught me its that "why?" is a stupid question that hardly ever has an answer. I know some people may think well it was just a dog, get over it already. But Katie was so much a part of our family and our life for the past 8 years that it just seems like nothing we do will be the same without her.

So Sad

When I was still living at home 8 years ago my brother's dog had puppies and we kept two of them. When I married DH and moved out we took Missy and my parents kept her sister Katie. Last week Katie had surgery because she ate something that got stuck in her stomach. She went home a couple days later and wasn't doing well so my mom took her back in and they had to open her back up and take some kind of wire out. But the wire had punctured her intestine, they removed part of it and thought it was fixed but it continued to leak into her system and poison her. Last night our local clinic said there was nothing else they could do and sent her to a special dog hospital in a nearby town. They don't think they can save her either because she would not survive another surgery to repair the intestines. My parents will put her to sleep tonight if there is no improvement.

We're all so sad. Katie was so much a part of our family and nothing will be the same without her. What a senseless way to loose a member of your family. No one can understand what got into her to make her eat all those strange objects, its so unlike her. Missy doesn't understand that her sister isn't coming back but its going to hurt me everytime we go to my parents house and Missy runs around looking for her. Missy and Katie have been best friends since the day they were born. My mom and I spend lots of time together taking the dogs for walks and we take them everywhere together. Nothing will be the same now. How can loosing a pet hurt so much? I practically have not stopped crying since last night. I'm thankful I still have Missy but I loved Katie too and will always miss her. Life is so cruel and unfair sometimes.

A Force At Work

Today I was reading "Intimacy Ignited" again and I have to blog about this part. It was discussing how men sometimes demand sex and women often deny sex. We're all guilty of that accusation. And how our marriages can fall apart when we don't even know its happening. Here are some scenarios.

1.) Last night you made love, this morning you can't stand each other.
2.) You talk but say nothing, touch but feel nothing. Feel like strangers.
3.) You know you hurt your spouse but you don't care.

I've experienced all of these, in the past week no less! Of course I blame myself, the hormones, or DH himself. But as the authors stated in this book, those things are caused by another force at work. That force is Satan. He is out to destroy marriage and these scenarios are examples of how he does it. God gave us the gift of sex to make our marriage unbreakable but Satan perverts sex and uses it in many different ways to destroy our marriages. By blaming anyone or anything other than Satan for these scenarious is only helping him to ruin our marriage. We need to look at things differently. We often think oh well that's just the way marriage is. Not true, it doesn't have to be that way! Guys notoriously complain about married life and I challenged DH to say positive things about it around his friends, (which he gladly does because it always gets attention). Now his friends think we're always "gettin freaky" in unusual places. Apparently bragging about your sex life is how convinces them marriage isn't so bad. At the wedding we went to a month ago DH was saying how great marriage is and how happy he is and one guy said "wow I don't think I've ever actually heard someone talk like that about marriage before". By presenting the positive to others it also helps us to focus on the positive things. I encourage all of you that are married to do the same. Challenge either to say only good things about your marriage to friends and family, it really makes a difference.

There is one thing repeated in the book that bugs me. Actually I've read it in the bible several times too and it always bothers me. The book says God designed sex to produce life. Oh the old "be fruitful and multiply", "children are God's blessing on marriage" sayings! Well how come our sex doesn't create life, how come we can't be fruitful and multiply, is our marriage not blessed because we don't have children? Hannah, Rachael, Elizabeth, and Sarah must have all felt the same way.

Last Sunday this quote from the sermon stuck out to me and I want to leave you with it.

"God is a God of action....And when He acts, He always acts in Love".

Another thing I forgot about treatments

Emotional havoc, yikes stay away! In DH's defense he is just being himself but everytime he even speaks I feel annoyed. EVERYTHING is annoying me these past few days. Date night Friday was a mess. DH made me late for acupuncture and when I wouldn't tell him which road to take (out of pure stubborness but he has been there a hundred times he should be able to find it on his own), I ended up canceling and burst into tears about how why should I go to acupuncture anyway because there is no point supporting a baby that isn't there. Today somehow me going to the gym by myself this afternoon while he does some other things around the house turned into I'm such a fat pig and he doesn't love me or ever want me to be home with him, followed by more tears. Poor DH, I'm a mess and I have a whole week to go before AF shows. Double the ovulation apparently means double the PMS. Its going to be a long week. I hope DH survives.

You Love Me Anyway

I know the last time I posted a song that speaks it was Sidewalk Prophets and while I try to be diverse, this is my favorite song at the moment. The one that really speaks to me. Here is my favorite part of the song, so beautiful yet true and humbling.......

"I am the thorn in Your crown....but You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow....but You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist....but You love me anyway
I am Judas' kiss...but You love me anyway
See now I am the man who yelled out from crowd for Your blood
to be spilled on this earth's shaking ground
Yes, then I turned away with a smile on my face with this sin in my heart
Trying to bury Your grace
Then alone in the night I still call out for You, so ashamed of my life...
But You love me anyway, oh God how You love me"

I'm ashamed of my post on Sunday, I'm ashamed of myself for reacting in a way that is not what my heart believes. I was angry and wrong to blame God that way. But I'm not going to edit or delete that post because its real, its how I was feeling at the time and I know many of you have felt the same way at times. But I do not believe our infertility is God's fault. He is a loving God who only wants the best for us. I've been through this before. I've explained before why He would allow these things to happen. Its all part of His plan and greater good will come of it. He has never let me down and I know He won't now. But infertility is still so hard. Besides in a way I asked for this. I prayed once, not long ago, that when God gives us our miracle that He would show up in a big way, leaving no doubt that the glory is all His. So if DH was suddenly giving us great numbers and the RE was giving us good odds for success than wouldn't that take away a little of God's glory allowing some credit to be given to science? Not in our mind of course because we know how long we've waited and prayed but to others I can see how they would give science the credit. I often wonder if we do IVF and are successful, if I would be a little disappointed that I didn't get a big showy miracle. But it would still be a miracle to us, one we would treasure in our hearts and forever give Him credit for. But if we are going to defy all odds when we get our miracle then God would have to create a situation in which conception is impossible or hopeless, right? Its all part of His plan, I know it because I asked for it.

So I'm sorry I was so angry and blamed God on Sunday, it was wrong.....but He loves me anyway :)

Thank the Lord for His mercy!

A Better Attitude

I feel a lot better now. In a way it feels like I'm moving through the stages of grief. Perhaps the stages of disappointment are similar. Either way, I'm at acceptance now. It is what it is and I'm excited to move on to IVF again. I want to call my doctor and talk about it but it seems a little soon since I just had an IUI two days ago. However I think they would understand because they know better than me how unrealistic it is to get a positive with such a low count. The timing of our IVF depends on the protocol they have me on. But we need to make sure the ER is after the 15th of March because my sub for work will be on vacation, leaving me no way to take time off. But I'm sure they can plan that by making me take an extra week of BCP. I think part of the reason I'm excited is because I've forgotten how much all the injections suck.

We will do a few things different this time. Last time we did limited fertilization because we just weren't sure how we felt about freezing our embabies. Our church as no black and white answer on that, it was just a personal choice. This time we will freeze if we can. However we don't want more than 10. We have to consider the possibility that all of the will survive, however unlikely, we just don't think we can handle having 10 kids. But we will not abandon, discard or adopt out any of our embabies. Whatever we manage to freeze, we're going back for someday and giving them a chance at life. I don't feel good knowing that there is a certain percent that will not survive the freeze/thaw process but I'm going to let that God worry about that. He is the creator and giver of life. If he chooses for them all to die or all to survive, there isn't much I can do about it.

We are using the One-Cycle Plus plan from ARC. At our clinic it is the same price for the same services as if we would just pay the clinic like we did last time. Only with this plan if we don't succeed or if we miscarry a baby part way through again we have a free FET already included. And if we do have a live baby from the fresh IVF and never use the free FET, it still costs the same as if we just paid our clinic up front. We are not sure yet if we will the $10k cash or if we will finance through ARC. We are leaning towards just paying cash. Either way we are ready to move ahead and do this.

Sorry God but I'm pissed

I still love you God but I can't deny that I'm mad at you right now. Why do you keep doing this to me? DH always has a count around 10-14mil/ml during the winter months and now today it was only 2mil/ml? That's worse than his average count during the summer months. I'm sure that God has only done this to make me unhappy and probably to teach me something. I was feeling so hopeful after a two year break, I was looking forward to this IUI for over a year, I really thought this would be it for us. And now I'm very angry and disappointed as once again we had only 1 mil post wash. Sure everyone says it only takes one but lets be realistic here. While that theory may technically be true it is statistically very VERY unlikely that an IUI with only 1 mil sperm will be successful. I felt like I should apologize to my RE and nurse for wasting their time on a Sunday. I'm now remembering why we gave up treatments, the disappointment and heartbreak from the constant bad news is too much to bear. Why God, couldn't you just give me something good to think about the next 2 weeks? Even if it didn't work if I could at least carry a flicker of hope in my heart during the 2ww. Now there is nothing but another broken bleeding wound in my heart. I just want to give up for good. And I'm so angry that a loving God would give me such a desire to be a mommy and then not let me. That does not sound very loving to me. It sounds cruel. Why does He constantly make me endure such misery? I'm so mad.

I'm just venting here, I still love God and have complete faith in Him and I know in my heart that He is a loving God and hurts when I hurt but I can't help but be a little angry with him. Everything was looking so perfect this cycle, I was so happy and then every last bit of hope that we will ever have a family is ripped from my heart leaving a hemoraging hole on a heart that was delicately stitched back together in the first place. This sucks. This sucks a lot. But I'll be okay. And when I'm done feeling sorry for myself I'm gonna put my big girl panties on and continue to live happily ever after just me and DH. But right now I'm still angry at God and myself. Why did I let myself get hopeful again? Why was I so positive and happy? Stupid me.

Trigger Tonight

Today I had two good follies, one at 16 and one at 23. The awesome news is that they are both on the right side, which is the side where my tube was wide open. Hooray! I went to acupuncture on Wednesday and again today. She is very positive and encouraging. Now our IUI is Sunday and I'll go to acu again next Friday. Monday is a holiday so I get the day off work to take it easy and relax. So far everything is looking perfect for this cycle. Now if only DH can do good for his part.

Whew....glad that's over!

My HSG was not bad at all, though I'm glad its over. The shot my RE gave me before really seemed to have helped. And he took the speculum out after he got the catheter in, which I wasn't expecting since so many girls have said it was uncomfortable moving around on the table with it in. My right side looks really good, the dye started gushing out of that right away. My left side he had hard time getting it to go through because it kept coming out the right. After I rolled on my side it did go through a little which means its open and he said I'm good but I'm still a little concerned. I need it to be an easy road for DH's little guys to travel. They have enough problems they don't need a difficult terrain to have to overcome. Hopefully my good follies will be on the right side this month for our IUI. I will see on Friday at my ultrasound and I'm praying DH will have good numbers on Sunday. I feel better knowing that everything is all clear. My RE always goes on about how beautiful my reproductive organs are. Is that weird? I told DH, the RE gets so happy about it all the time but I suppose he is used to seeing women with problems and not so beautiful reproductive organs and stellar bloodwork. My RE said today that everything is perfect with me and we just need to figure out what to do with my DH. Yep, too bad no one knows anything or understands male factor issues. But overall I had another good experience with my RE. His attitude seems different now, I guess the two year break up was good for us. But what a difference his attitude makes on my own. It actually makes me feel good about going back to his office again.

HSG Tomorrow

Here's another good idea from a fellow blogger. She said to read "Intimacy Ignited", a study on the Song of Solomon and marital sex. So I started it and it is good! When I finish reading it I will devote a post just to this book and my sex life with DH, maybe I should put a TMI warning on that one, since my MIL reads this blog too ;)

So HSG tomorrow.....yikes, I'm getting so nervous! Two years ago when I had an SIS done prior to IVF I thought that was incredibly painful. Almost everyone has said that the HSG is worse. I wouldn't be so worried if I could come home and do nothing the rest of the day but I have to go to work at noon and likely be on my feet until 5:00. I am going to acupuncture immediately after the HSG so hopefully if I am having any pain she can help. I'm also worried because the nurse said not to take any ibuprofen because they will give me a shot of something she said was super ibuprofen to prevent cramping an hour before the actual HSG. I don't know what drug it is, started with a T but once I had a shot of Demerol and it seriously made me dizzy, I actually passed out twice. I have never passed out any other time in my life. Its a very weird feeling when everything starts going dark and you know your going down. But it must not be too serious of a drug because I can still drive myself home. Quite honestly I will be a little shocked if I don't get an all clear report from the HSG. No one has ever seen even a hint of any kind of fertility problems on my end and I always get told I have picture perfect fertility. But at the same time there is always this little feeling that maybe I might have endo and as I ponder the fact that DH and I have never gotten pregnant on our own after 4 years of well timed intercourse, maybe I won't get a good report tomorrow. I am expecting a good report but its not impossible that after all this time we find out I'm not as fertile as they keep telling me I am. But mostly I'm just nervous and anxious about the possible pain.

Tonight is my last dose of clomid. Maybe I can get a good night sleep tomorrow. I always take my clomid right before bed. This is based on my un-scientific theory that I will then sleep through the side effects. Compared to some other girls' reactions to clomid it seems to work. I have minor headaches during the day but my only real side effect is waking up with hot flashes at night and tossing and turning because one minute I'm sweating, the next I'm shivering. Not that I should complain about sleep, after all we're doing this so that I will end up pregnant and not sleep a solid night for the next 18 years. I wonder if anyone else ever panics that they might actually get pregnant. The other night as I was sitting on the couch with DH after we were both exhausted from a tough day he said something about being so tired he can hardly get up. And I thought "boy I'm glad we don't have kids, I can't imagine being this tired and still having to make them something to eat and give them a bath and put them to bed". Then I thought "oh crap, what if this IUI actually works?! What if I do end up with the twins my heart so longs for?! That will be the end of nights like this."

So often I don't associate what we're doing with getting pregnant. In some ways it helps me to stay grounded and not so disappointed. This IUI seems like just another procedure and the money we're paying for it seems like just a charitable donation to my RE for which I will get nothing in return. How sad is that? But at the same time I do feel great hope for the next few months of treatment. I really feel in my heart that God is going to give us biological babies, maybe two at a time. I just don't know if now is the time yet.

A couple days ago I blogged about the dvd we watched in our bible study and how I feel bad that I can't wrap my mind around God's awesomeness. This Sunday I was a bit distracted in church and I'd listen to the sermon then my mind would wander. But when he said this, he had my complete attention:

"God doesn't expect us to wrap our minds around Him and understand Him, He didn't design us to. We only need to wrap our arms around Jesus."

I think He put that line in there especially for me this week since I was feeling guilty for not being able to fully understand and appreciate just how great and awesome He is. The Lord knows I will never understand His ways, now if I would just stop trying to understand it and start wrapping my arms around Jesus, how much more peace and joy will I find? It is amazing when you can finally look back and see how God's plan unraveled. I always look back at the struggles DH and I had in our dating relationship and the hardship of his family moving him away and forcing a long distance relationship on us. Now I see how what we went through then has only made our relationship, love and marriage stronger and better. But I didn't know then that I would have the rest of my life to be with this man. Now I praise God for the hardships we endured then so that we can reap the rewards now.

Someday I will look at our struggle to have a baby the same way. I don't hope that someday I will see the good in this, I KNOW that someday I will.

Here We Go

Our IUI cycle is underway. I had my baseline on Thursday, everything looked good. I'm much more relaxed about the cycle itself, stressed about getting out of work for all the necessary appointments though. I used to want to know the results of all my bloodwork and such but I don't care anymore. I'm not anxious about the IUI like I have been before. Probably because even though its been a while, I have already done this 3 times. I know what to expect. I started on the clomid last night and take that until Tuesday. Tuesday I also start my antibiotics for three days because of the HSG on Wednesday. I've always avoided this because of the expense and I didn't think it was necessary. My RE is sure my tubes are open. I wasn't sure I wanted to do it on an IUI cycle but then I read it can actually help because even if they are open the dye helps flush out any debris that might be in the tubes. On clomid I usually make 2 good follies and a third that is iffy. So if DH can just give us a few good swimmers I feel good about this working. I'll have mutiple targets and a clear easy path for them. If this doesn't work I will be suspicious that his sperm are not capable of fertilization. I am praying for 10mil post wash for our ideal conditions. I know my hopes are high so I'll settle for 5mil post wash. Hopefully my HSG will be pain free. After that I have a follie check on Friday and probably a trigger shot, then the IUI on Sunday, one week from tomorrow. So far I feel really positive about this cycle. I really think it could work this time. We'll see if I'm still so positive a week from now.

Star of Bethlehem

First of all I want to say that I am inspired by a fellow blogger that is doing a give-away. I want to do a give-away too! So my 100th post here will be a give-away. I'm not sure what yet - I'll try to make it good! This is post #83 so I have a little bit to go yet. Keep reading and following :)

Our church bible study watched this dvd the week before Christmas. DH and I missed it because of the wedding the night before and our inability to wake up and get to church 1.5 hours early. Poor excuse I know. But we borrowed the DVD and watched it at home. It is awesome. You can read more at this website, The Star of Bethlehem. They talk about how literal some of the references in the bible are to the stars compared to scientific evidence we have now. I always thought such things were metaphors and it really got me thinking, how many other things in the bible can I take literally? Like when it says the barren woman will have a house full of children (paraphrasing). Maybe that isn't just a metaphor either.

Towards the end of the dvd it takes scripture and compares it against astrological events that were happening at the time of Jesus' crucifixtion. I almost cried. How can you not be in wonder of a God who can do such amazing things? But I have to say, I am sorry that I can not wrap my mind around just how awesome He is. He is too big for me to understand. I can not even wrap my mind around the fact that Jesus was beaten so badly He was unrecognizable, then nailed to a cross. I can't fathom it. I can't understand how God could give up His son that way. And definitely can't understand how even if I was the only sinner on this earth, He still would have done it.

Definitely watch the dvd or read more on the website, it will give you something to think about.

Happy Blog-iversary!

One year ago today I started this blog. I don't even remember what my intent was except as a place to vent about life. I looked back at a few posts and while I definitely think I've done some growing and changing, some things haven't changed. For one, my constant promises that I'm going to get healthy and lose weight. Why is that so hard to keep? Well its an ongoing goal but I'm not going to lie to myself and all of you by pretending that this time its going to happen for real.

AF showed up today and while I was happy to see her so we can get started on treatment, I also was disappointed that I'm still not pregnant. Not that I thought drunken sex would work but it would have been a nice to have a surprise BFP. I have very mixed feelings going forward. Here's what the two different voices in my head are saying:

Voice #1 (I HATE this voice): Well God, I gave you two years to give us our baby. I surrendered everything to you and patiently waited. You let me down. Now I have to do this myself. And with that kind of attitude You will probably not let me be successful. It would be so easy for You to make me pregnant, why would You make me go through all these treatments? Maybe these treatments won't work, if You wanted me to have a baby I'd have one by now.

Voice #2 (I like this one better but its harder to believe): Thank you Lord for giving me this two year break to heal my heart and grow up some more. Everyday I become a better mother than I would have been yesterday. Last time I felt surely the world would end if our treatments failed. Well, they did but You kept the world turning. This time around I know that if our treatments fail, I'll be greatly disappointed and unhappy about all the wasted money but DH and I will still be happily married and our life will go on just as it has for the past 26 years. You have provided us a capable doctor and the funds to pay him. I may not be sure we will get our baby this way but I don't want to get to heaven and have you say, "I provided everything you needed to get your baby but you just waited and cried out for Me to drop it in your lap." The fact is that God made doctors to help us. I don't know why He would want us to get our baby through IVF when He could just give us a surprise BFP. But I also don't know why He would give someone cancer only to have them overcome it when He could have just not given them cancer in the first place. And I don't expect to know, that's why He is God and I am little ol' me.

I don't know if we are doing what He wants us to but it feels good to be back at the RE. I have my baseline Thursday, HSG next Wednesday, Follie check next Friday and probably our IUI on Sunday Jan. 16th. If this IUI is not successful, we will do another in February or start BCPs for IVF in February. It all depends on what kind of post wash count we get and what our RE thinks.

Welcome 2011!

So far every single post I've read about saying goodbye to 2010 and welcoming 2011 has been good riddance, it was a terrible year. I don't exactly feel that way. 2010 wasn't a terrible year for us. We actually finally got it together and I dealt very well with life while still being infertile. My SIL had her baby and I got over my resentment towards her so we are almost friends and I love my little niece to pieces. I got two job promotions so we are way better off financially than we have ever been. DH grows everyday more and more into the perfect man. Our marriage is better than it has ever been. So if there ever was a perfect time for our miracle to arrive, 2011 is it.....did you hear me Lord? We're ready, now is a good time. Who am I kidding? Like I have any say over it.

I'm still anxiously awaiting AF. I can't believe when you want her to show she takes her sweet time. I'm either 11dpo or 13dpo. I always have a short LP. If I'm 13 she will for sure show tomorrow. For the past several months I always spot for 1-2 days before. So far no spotting. Even if I was only 11dpo I should have spotting by now. Still no PMS except for a few cramps, it feels like she's weeks away. I've thought maybe I didn't ovulate, but I've never not ovulated plus I had a ton of EWCM. I've tried everything I can to get her to show. I had sex with DH last night which always makes her show up for some reason and I even POAS this morning. You all know that as soon as you POAS, AF nearly almost always shows before that single little test line shows up but it seems she's being stubborn this month because I'm so anxious to get started with our IUI cycle. Actually, now that we decided to do IVF again I'm excited to get started with that too. We are thinking if our IUIs don't work IVF will be happening in May. How I will get the time off work I still don't know. Maybe we won't have to go that route, who knows. But for now, come on AF!!